Bitch!!!!!

So much for still having feelings for her after all these years. I could probably walk into her apartment right now and feel nothing, absolutely nothing. Not that she isn't a good person or that a friendship isn't possible but ... WOW! I now remember what it was like to date her again and why it didn't work out with us!


So work is hectic with Black Friday coming on quickly. I get to be at work at 5am that day and work a minimum of a 12-hour day ... may be longer unless we fill my open tech position. One of my looser techs quit last week ... breaks my heart, really it does. I need to get rid of one of my full timers, or get him to be a decent tech somehow, and get the rest of the bench to do shit right the first time. I am actually torn between who would be the best person to take the full time spot if the current guy gets fired. We'll see what happens tomorrow when I go in after Will had to close alone. I spent all day fixing shit and pretty much used my 7 hour shift as admin time ... ... there was a lot to do! Found out we will be doing pre-setups from now until after Christmas ... and I have another meeting Thursday AM while I should be sleeping. I need to find out if I can call in from home and do a time edit for it or if I need to be at the store for the damn conference call.

Class ... thank God it's almost over. I don't have enough time in my week for everything I have going on and CISCO class seems to be getting less and less of my time each week. I'm looking forward to having next week off and then preparing for my Final 2 weeks later. Then it's almost a month off before semester 3 starts and I have to do it all over again. Hopefully by then things will have settled down at work. Maybe having an actual book for semester 3 will help too ... something tangible to study from.

Apparently the "newness" has worn off. I find the journal entries less and less interesting and no longer hang on every word. Winder if her journal has really gotten boring or if I'm just not interested any longer. My previous interest did seem to center around the relationship issues with our past and her now Ex-boyfriend ... maybe I'm not interested any longer because it no longer affects me or my life. That would make sense.

Not saying she is a boring person or that her journal sucks ... a journal is a journal not meant for others entertainment but rather your own personal log of time ... I'll keep checking it occasionally I suppose. Never know when my name might pop up on it again.

After a day of fixing mistakes, cleaning up other people's shit, and dealing with a customer who ate my face for dinner ... they finally let me go home. It was a good day ... but a LONG and ROUGH day behind the tech counter! I had a chance to sit down with management and hopefully some of the kinks in our system (2 technicians) will be worked out in the coming few days. After the HUGE and COSTLY mistake that was made last night I think some heads will roll right into the unemployed bin kept just outside the warehouse door!

On a more personal note ... got an e-mail from Libby in response to a blog post I made a few days ago. She wanted to make sure I knew that she had no shady motives behind wanting to see me last month ... also told me to let her know if I need her to back off ... Back off what? I have been limiting my contact with her based mostly on the fact that I haven't seen much worth posting about in her journal and had no other reason to talk with her. She has done nothing wrong ... maybe I didn't make that clear in the post she was responding to ... I don't know. I need to respond to her e-mail ... I didn't mean to accuse her of having ulterior motives for seeing me. All I meant was that seeing each other again might lead to us getting "sucked into the old relationship" and I simply wasn't willing to take that risk. I also chose not to even bring it up to Jen out of respect for my relationship with Jen. I knew that if the tables were turned and Jen was asking to see one of her ex's I would be extremely over protective and ask her not to do it. How could I even ask Jen to make that decision about seeing Libby when I knew what my reaction to Jen seeing Brian or Chris would be? Jen has not serious objections to occasional Internet contact with Libby but seeing her in person is a totally different situation and one I chose not to even attempt.

I guess I need to make sure Libby understands all that cause her e-mail sounded like maybe she didn't.

K ... maybe it's time. Libby stays friends with her ex's because they are special people to her ... apparently I am a special person in her life though we barely know each other anymore ... ... I'm glad for her. I'm glad someone thinks of me as special outside of my family and close friends. It's nice to know that others still care for you LONG after the last time you saw them. But maybe it's time to let it go.

She sent me an e-mail when she was coming to Michigan asking to see me ... I didn't reply. I was so caught off guard that I honestly didn't know how to reply. I haven't seen her in 8 years and I barely know who she has become. Part of me would have liked to see her, talk about things between us then and now, and maybe see if there really is anything still there between us. BUT that is also the part of me who always wants to have a back door, a way to escape when things get too close, a fall back plan. I don't know what may or may not have happened if I saw Libby last week and that is why I chose not to. I know she is between romantic partners and has been reminiscing with old partners. I don't pretend to know her motives, and they really don't matter. I kept asking myself how I would feel if it were Jen going to see one of her ex's, how would I feel then? The answer is I would do everything in my power to keep her from doing it. I trust her, I don't believe that anything would come of her meeting with one of her ex's ... but there is always that chance. It's easy to get sucked back into the old romance, to believe that it is real all over again, and to totally screw up your life based on feelings that are all in your head. I chose not to take that risk. I can't chance getting sucked into that world not even for a second. I love Jen too much to ever hurt her like that and I like my life just the way it is. We are happy together and once the job situation is straightened out will begin the family we have always dreamed about. I just don't know that there is room in my life for an Ex hanging around.

Is it possible for Libby and I to be friends without the EX stamped all over it? She was my first love and I admit there will always be feelings for the girl I fell in love with. I barely know who she is today and don't dare say that I still lover the person she has become ... but I do still care deeply for the person she once was. That may just have to be enough. Maybe it would be best to keep casual internet contact and nothing more. I guess I'll need some time to figure that one out on my own.

POOR BABY!

I'm sorry there is now way I can be polite or tactfull at this point. Why the fuck should I feel bad for someone (not that I was asked to) who has that kind of money in the first place. I EARN EVERY DOLLAR I GET! I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY and the government still takes almost half. Now that I have no way to earn income I am even less sympathetic to the "rich" perspective. Take your whining about money and aim it at someone who gives a damn! ... Try the rest of the "in" crowd because I am not part of it, nor do I wish to be.


K I guess that covers the venting




The job search has entered the desperate phase ... got "let go" yestueday. Maybe that's why I am irritated with the journal post.

the reply from Libby:
"thanks......
I'm glad you have been a part of my life, shane, in spite of, or maybe because of the pain involved. I hope you will continue to be. It's been really enlightening getting to know you again.
Libby "

and my e-mail back to her:
"I think the feeling is mutual.

I am glad I have been able to clear up all the shit that happened at the end of our relationship. I will always be hurt that I was cheated on but I have forgiven you and am actually glad in a way that it happened. It helped both of us realize the relationship was not right for us and move on. I am also glad to hear that neither of us was really in love, though we thought so @ the time. Somehow it makes it easier to become friends again knowing that I didn't walk out on someone who was in love with me. I know it sucked at the time, and that you have had a hard time dealing with it since, but I know for certain that we both did what was best for us then, and now. I honestly hope things work out for you and Mark ... I hope he reciprocates your feelings ... it sucks when that doesn't happen.

I care about you more than I ever though I could ... I think I would actually put you on my list of close friends right now ... I never though that would ever happen with us. There are days when just reading your LJ gets me annoyed ... but I know that it is just who you are and I let it go ... everyone gets annoying once in a while so why should you be any different. I am sure there are days when you read my e-mails and posts and think to yourself "how did I ever think I was in love with her? ... we are so different!" I know we are different, that is good I think ... it gets boring when all your friends have the same thoughts and feelings as you do.

Keep in touch and keep your head up ... remember I am always here if you need to sound off.
Shane"

Jen and I had a chance to talk this weekend about the whole Libby situation. We have agreed to not let it come between us. I agreed to proceed with caution, watch my back, and keep her in the loop. She has agreed to not hold anything back and let me know if it starts to bother her. She simply doesn�t trust Libby. Why should she? Jen saw what happened at the end or our relationship the first time around and doesn�t want me to end up in that place again. I agree! I can see that Libby has changed in the last 8 years, but Jen didn't know her then. I am not 100% sure I trust her either. I do believer her when she says all she is out for is friendship and that she doesn�t want to hurt me again. I will also be watching very close to be sure she has the right to be trusted. I may be being overly cautious but given my past, I think it's the best way to handle it. Hopefully Libby can earn my 100% trust, and Jen's as well. We'll see what the future brings.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I still have a defective pc, obviously was more than just a driver issue, and I got a question answered by Libby. Thankfully I work someplace that has a stockpile of old but decent video cards lying around. I grabbed one from the back room, verified that Windows XP supported it, and installed it into my machine. So far so good. If this fixed my random reboot issue I will have to buy a new video card and everything will be all-better. I probably needed one anyway. The manufacture date on the one I had in there was 1997 ... in computer years that is about as ancient as cavemen! Time to go the route of 128mb ddr AGP. The new ones need their own cooling system, mine just has sad looking bare chips on it with 1 heat sink!

Anyway I also got Libby to tell me when, or at least approximate when, she slept with Bob. It was before she came up to Old Mission for Easter as I suspected and answered a few remaining question I had about our last few months together. I think I am finally ready to put the whole sorted mess behind me. I am still hurt, I will never understand why she did it, but it no longer matters to me. It hasn't really mattered in years. Everything happens for a reason and who's to say I would have gone to camp that summer if things had been so tense between Libby and I. I can't imagine where I would be if I had never met Jennifer that summer. I do believe that we would have met and fallen in love eventually, but how much longer would it have taken to find her?

K ... now Libby knows about Ron and the story behind the feeling I get when people start to get too close. Her Live Journal post sums up her reply best. My response to it is below.

Not ashamed about my life at all. I am one of those people who meets most of the people in my life in the working arena. I don't think my sexuality is that big of a deal and if anyone wants to ask I'll answer honestly. I just don't introduce myself as "hi I'm Shannon and I'm gay". My sexuality is not that big of a deal for me and I forget that it can be for other people. I too have the attitude that if you have a problem with me, or my life, you can go to hell ... I just can't tell my boss that or I'll loose my job.
As for those other things, I wouldn't call them secrets, but I don't spill my guts to people I can't trust. That's what the e-mail was about. I hope I am right in trusting you.

OK ... Libby made another Live Journal entry ... and my reply is below

First - I never said I had a problem with open relationships. I understand that they are the only type of relationship that works for some people. I did say that they are not relationships with 100% commitment. That's what makes them open! If the relationship was 100% commitment then there would be no other partners to talk about. The fact that it's ok to have other partners as long as you tell the other half makes it an open relationship and breaks the 100% commitment part. UNDERSTAND?

Second - I haven't been asking what you meant by "I care" I have been asking what you meant by "too much". It's a line you used first in your LJ posts and carried over to our e-mails. You said that you "care for me" and then went on to say that you "care too much". They are TOTALLY different things. Was is a conscious choice of words?

Okay so it's been 4 days since I posted, so shoot me! I spent Thursday evening at the funeral home with Jen and family, went to Sammy's funeral Friday, and Mom and Dad were down for the weekend. So I was busy and emotionally drained! I did figure out what the feeling was all about and why I got it when I did.

On my way out of work Thursday night Mike asked me why I wouldn't be in Friday. I told him I had a funeral to go to and of course he asked me whom it was for. I attempted to answer without giving away too much info. I wasn't sure how to tell him it was the fianc� of my wife's cousin without coming out and saying it. He go this confused look on his face and said something like "huh what?" Then it hit me, I got that same feeling in the pit of my stomach like I do every time he asks me a personal question. It's that trust thing! Nerves! Ever since Ron when someone asks a question that is a bit too personal I get that feeling. It's my body's reaction to someone getting too close. I do it with Mike all the time that's why it is so familiar! That's why when Libby actually told me about her (somewhat dysfunctional) relationship with Mark I got it. She trusted me enough to tell me what is going on in her life and it was fish or cut bait time for me. I had to decide if I wanted to let her get close or cut her loose. I still haven't made up my mind yet about her. I still have questions that have been asked and not answered. There is one in particular she has not answered that needs to be resolved before I can make my decision. I saw the look in Jen's eyes after she read my last 2 journal posts and thought that I may still have feelings for Libby. She was hurt to say the least. I had to explain that it's not what it was all about and things are better now, but I NEVER want to see that look again. I had time to think this weekend about everything that happened Wednesday and Thursday with Libby and I don't know if it's worth my efforts. Part of me wants to try but I know that I can't ever have what I'm looking for. I want my friend back. The friend I knew before we began dating. The person I could talk to about absolutely nothing until 3am. Nearest I can tell that person is gone. She has grown up and I barely know Libby anymore. After 8 years what the hell can I expect?

All I was concerned about for about 2 days was Libby and settling our past. Part of that was because it kept my mind off Sammy and Becky. That I'll admin to. The more Jen and I talked on Friday the more I realized that Libby was the topic of our discussions for almost 3 days. Again it was partly because we didn't want to talk about Sammy and Becky, but it was too much. Maybe if the timing had been different, if it had been the week before the only other thing I had to think about was being in Becky's shoes, it would have been different. It's too late now, it's done and over, and I am left wondering if it is all worth my time.

I just don't know yet. I should send another e-mail and ask my question once again. If she doesn�t answer it this time I guess I will have to go with my assumption and base my decision off that.

I actually replied to one of Libby's LJ posts. Apparently she had a bad day meeting/coming out to new people at school. Been there, done that...burned the t-shirt!

"Sorry babe but coming out to new people SUCKS! That has a lot to do with why I don't bother. If someone asks I'll answer but I don't go out of my way to come out to everyone I meet ... Wish you had a better day, we can't both be having terrible days! I am so confused and worn out from our e-mails I can barely think straight, on top of that I get to go to a funeral tomorrow, another emotionally draining day! This has been the week from hell! No matter what I do I just can't seem to pinpoint or shake this feeling... what the hell is it? Why is it so familiar?"

I decided to post it here too because it sums up exactly how I feel today. Confused, sad, and this unshakable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know this feeling well, but I don't know why. I was hoping to hear back from her today and continue the discussion I couldn't yesterday...but apparently she is busy today and her replies have been short to say the least. I guess it will have to wait until Monday. We will both be unavailable this weekend. Maybe that's good. Maybe what I need is some distance. Maybe... or am I just pulling back out of fear? I have every right to be afraid of getting too close; I have been hurt by her before. I know now it was a misunderstanding but it hurt nonetheless. Is it just fear or something else entirely? I don't know what to think anymore, it was easier when I thought she was a bitch who got what she wanted from me and then left when I started to become my own person. 8 years of feeling that way based on a HUGE misunderstanding has left me not knowing where to go or what to think. I don't believe that she was vindictive in any way, just not of stable mind. I was so caught up in getting out of small town USA that I don't remember much of our last 6 months together. I know we argued a lot from the strain of a long distance relationship. From the strain of a relationship that probably shouldn't have lasted more than a week or two. Co-dependant! Sums it up perfectly! We did have some good time though. I have tried to brush the dust off some of those memories, they are pretty covered and many have been thrown off the iceberg to make room for new ones. Unfortunately I think I may have purged too much and need a few of them back to figure out where we should go from here.

Was it Ron that made me feel this way? Or Mike? I remember that it was about another person, something not very pleasant, could it go all the way back to Sneller? THINK! THINK! THINK! Seems like it was more recent than Sneller, was it?

Rambling again and need to finish up some stuff so I can go home. Need sleep and time to digest what has happened in the last 4 days!

Wow! After a day of e-mailing Libby back and forth I am actually at a loss for words. It looks like our communication was so bad when we were dating that we broke up for no reason...I thought she broke up with me and she thought I broke it off with her. I've know it was all for the best since I began to fall in love with Jennifer but WOW! We were really not good together if our communication was THAT bad!

Where do we go from here? I honestly don't know! People can be friends even though they are different. Past lovers can be friends with out the past getting in the way. But can Libby and I pull it off? I don't know! My last e-mail to her for the day was the shortest I have written her EVER! I just didn't know what to say. I'm a writer for God sake, and express my true feelings best in the writing arena, and I couldn't think of what to say! Why? I'm not jealous of her "boyfriend", that's for sure, but I got this wierd feeling in my gut when I read her e-mail about the two of them. What was it? I have no romantic feelings toward her...nothing sexual at all...so what was that feeling in the pit of my stomach? Guilt at ending it without trying to make it work that summer? Pitty for her because she hasn't found her true love yet? Excitement at the prospect of reviving our friendship? None of them seem to be viable answers.

When did I feel this way last? I've had it befor, I remember it well, but why did I feel this way? I need to remember. Remember when and why. I can't write her back until I know. I don't love her, I don't care for her, I barely even know her anymore. But I would like to. Maybe that's it...nervous about getting to know her again. sounds viable...good possibility anyway. Too bad Stacey fell off the face of the earth, she could help me remember. Jen might know but she's busy...guess it's up to me to figure out.

Confused, rambling, throwing out ideas in the journal...probably time to quit and just THINK! Writing helps but not this time...off to think it over.

Misunderstandings.... could it really have been just a misunderstanding that ended my relationship with Libby? I remember getting a letter while @ camp that effectively ended our relationship. She returned my ring! She doesn�t remember sending it...at least she doesn�t remember breaking up with me in that letter then. She remembers me breaking it off with her in August when I got back. I worked that summer believing it was over with us and I only contacted her in August to come claim her stuff from my parents house. Some of it I wish I had kept. Actually just one thing in particular, I kept the ring, though I don't remember why, but that was it. Everything else was returned. I was mad and hurt that she couldn't even apologize when she saw me that day.... I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but I knew that we would spend the next year apart, like we had done the previous year, and if we couldn't part on good terms we might as well not bother trying to save the relationship. I thought it best to say forget it and move on without her. Did I do the right thing? Who knows, but it was 8 years ago and it allowed me to find Jen and fall in love. Maybe Libby and I could have salvaged at least a friendship out of it I'll never know. Now that we are in contact again there is a lot of pain and hurt exchanged in each e-mail and journal post...why? Can we let it go and move forward?

What does she mean by "I care too much"? Why does she think that if I truly care about Jen I should stop responding to Libby's e-mail? Can we ever just be friends?

my replies.....a bit long winded but I think this is everything I needed to say

1)"since I am at work currently this will be short.....I'll finish it later,
probably after I calm down a bit.

I just need to get one thing straight...I didn't break off shit! You ended
the relationship 2 weeks after I went off to work at Camp O'Fairwinds and I
have the letter to prove it. For now that is all I will say, again I'll
follow-up up after work.

Shannon"

2)"Okay...I'm calm now and can finish this letter hopefully without causing too much pain. (that was never my intent by the way)

First of all yes you did end the relationship with me via a letter two weeks after I left for camp. You returned the ring! I would say that ended the relationship whether or not you intended it that way. I admit that it may not have been what you planned to do, but when someone returns my ring I take that to mean we are no longer dating.

The next thing we need to clear up is that Jennifer and I were friends all summer and into August after I came home. Yes she was at my parents house when you came to get your stuff, almost 2 months after you returned the ring, but we were not an item then. I was hurt, not only by the way our relationship had gone the last few months you were at school, but also by the way I thought you had ended it. Your letter said a lot of things like "this is not working, I gave up a lot to be with you this summer and you left me here alone", and contained the ring I gave you the summer before. I don't remember exactly if you came out and said we were through, I looked all over last night and couldn't find the box with your letters in it to verify. It may have been a huge misunderstanding on my part that you wanted to end the relationship, I will admit to that. I am sorry that you went all summer thinking we were still together and would work it out at the end of the summer when I got back. I knew then that there were serious issues with your depression, and I do feel a twinge of guilt that I only complicated the matter by not making an attempt to resolve our issues after I got home. That was the hardest day of my life! It's followed very closely by the day I opened your letter at camp and my ring fell on the floor. I couldn't even read it for 2 days...I just carried it around on my clipboard and put your ring on my watch band so I wouldn't loose it. I can honestly say I wouldn't have made it through the summer if I had not met Jennifer. She was there to listen and not judge, something none of the rest of my friends ever managed to do. Contrary to a lot of people's belief we did not begin dating until LONG after camp was over and we were not an item when I saw you last. Part of me was hoping that you would apologize the moment you saw me and tell me what a mistake it was, that didn't happen and it took me a long time to realize it was all for the best.

As for the letter you received that was suppose to be from Jennifer....it wasn't! I know that you got a letter, and I know a little bit about what it said, though if you still have it I would like to know EXACTLY what was said, but Jennifer did not write it. That letter came from Shannon Scarbrough, do you remember her? I was already dating Jennifer at the time, and had been for months, and Shannon thought she was doing me a favor by sending you the letter. I never got to read it before it was sent because I didn't know she sent it until it was too late. I know that she was trying to piss you off and cause as much hurt as she could, apparently it worked, and from what I know now she used lies to do it. Shannon and I stopped being friends not long after that letter was sent, and the letter was part of the reason. I admit that I probably should have contacted you when I found out, but I thought it best to just leave you alone. I didn't think you would believe me anyway. Our phone conversations and e-mails had been getting increasingly rude and hurtful, much like the last few recently, and I didn't want to cause anymore pain than I already had. I was only beginning to deal with all the crap that went on both while we were dating and that summer we broke up. I was immature, weak, hurt, and trying my best to move on without you. I was also getting very close to Jennifer and didn't want to open myself up to you again for fear of making the wrong choice about my relationship with her.

I don't really care about the past anymore, I just needed to get a few things straight between us. I sent you the initial e-mail just as kind of a hello. I had gotten your Christmas card the year before and never replied to you because I didn't know what to say. I have often wondered if that was the right decision. When I ran into you on the net I decided to take the opportunity to see what you wanted when you sent the card. We started out as good friends and I guess part of me was hoping we still could be. There are times when I miss your friendship. There were times when I wondered if I did the right thing. Fortunately for me I no longer wonder, I know it was for the best that we went our separate ways. I was not trying to rub anything in about how my life has gone, not by any means. I simply thought you would like to know what I was up to and where I was. Sorry if I was wrong.

My reaction to your live journal post was because you didn't have enough respect for me to even tell me you wanted to stop communicating. If you truly wanted to break off communication all you had to do was reply with a simple "this isn't working for me and I will no longer respond to any e-mail from you." That would have done it. Personally I think the whole "I care too much" is a cop out! I can also see that there is more to your words than you are actually saying. Why don't you try telling me what is really going on? What do you mean EXACTLY by "I care too much" and if I "truly care about my wife I will stop communicating with you"? No word games just a straight forward answer would be nice.

Jennifer has no problem with us being friends, her reservations about me getting in touch with you were fro my own sake. She saw how it ended, the aftermath of how it ended, and knows a lot of what happened near the end. Her concern was me getting hurt by you again. I have been through a lot in the last couple years with trust issues and am just beginning to emerge from them and let people get close again. She didn't want to see me let you get close, get hurt again, and have to start all over with the trust shit....almost too late. I let you get close, but not in, and I got burned with your whole I'm just not going to reply crap. I guess I thought you had more respect for me than that. I know you thought it was the best thing to do, I do believe that, but I don't understand why.

What do I want from you? ...Let's start with an honest answer about what you meant by you "care too much" and everything that went with it. I hade this crazy notion that maybe we had both grown up enough to have an adult friendship. No crap from the past, no baggage, just friends. We use to be able to do that, can we still? I never intended to cause pain, I admit the thought crossed my mind but there is just no reason for it. The past is the past and I have moved on. I would also like to get one questions answered.... Why did you break it off with me? Why was the ring returned? Why in a letter? I now know that you didn't realize you had, misunderstanding about the return of the ring I guess.

If we can get both our questions answered honestly could a friendship work with us? Or is there more going on that I am aware of?

Shannon"

Lets see what this brings

I got a response from the Journal post.......
"ok.

I'm sorry. again.

both times. Extremely sorry.

*sigh*

You made it sound like Jennifer didn't want us communicating, and also that you
weren't particularly interested in communicating, so I was just trying to let you know that
I wouldn't be too hurt if you stopped replying. We aren't really a part of each other's lives
right now, and that is probably as it should be. Every time one of us tries to talk to the
other, it gets misconstrued and twisted and we just end up replying in a way that hurts
the other.
I have been hurt here too, you know. You were the first person I ever loved, and the
person who brought out the part of me that isn't straight. I was not mature enough to
appreciate you, but you were the one who left me. You were the one who broke it off
with little to no explanation, and left me very confused and hurt. I cried for a year, and
asked for an explanation for a full 6 months until your girlfriend wrote me a letter telling
me that you two were already dating when you finally broke it off with me. She was even
there at your house that last afternoon when you returned my stuff.

I have recovered (somewhat) from that. However, I have never been able to trust
another lover, and have only now found a relationship that I feel truly comfortable in.

Communicating with you hurts me. I am willing to continue this conversation with you if
it will help you have closure or whatever it is you need, but I would rather leave the past
in the past, and wish you well.

Libby

PS I dont understand how ANYTHING in my LJ post could be offensive. Nothing I said
was sarcastic. I was absolutely serious. I do care about you, and I do wish you joy and
comfort. I dont know why you had such a vehement response. If you want to explain,
this is your opportunity. If not, I'll be confused, like I always have when it comes to you.
Then I'll get on with my life."


Need to reply...she broke it off with me

Where should I begin? ..... Well in her last e-mail Libby asked me to check out her live journal (she uses that crappy one instead of blogger), in a round about way anyway. I hit it once or twice right away and found nothing of interest to me but today was a different story.
Today I find this posted online:
"I recently got an email from my first girlfriend. That was wierd, to say the least. I never expected to hear from her again, and she shoots me an email (out of the blue) as a response to finding her name on my webpage. Well, she was a pretty important person in my "formative years". Anyway, I replied as nicely and politely as I knew how, and in response I got a life history, with a disclaimer at the end about her wife being upset about our correspondence. Well......I have this to say to you, dear......if your wife is important to you, you probably dont want to keep replying to my emails!!! I replied to that one, and got another short one back. I'm not responding, not because I dont care, but because I DO CARE!!! I dont want her getting into a fight with her wife and having another huge fiasco in her life on MY head. I caused her enough pain already.....I'm not going to get into it again.

If you read this, then you know why I'm not replying. I care too much about you to get involved in your life again. I wish you and your wife all the best. REALLY! But I've never been good for you, so we dont need to go there again."

I guess all I need to say is "FUCK YOU TOO BITCH!" Once again I opened myself up just a little bit and got burned! I thought I had learned my lesson after her shit the first time and all the crap about Ron and his suicide but NO I had to go and do it again. Well from now on...fuck the world I have enough friends already. Nobody needs to be let in anymore. I know who I can currently trust and I guess I'll leave it that way (at least until another Mike situation comes along). As for Libby........should have listened to Jen the first time and not bothered. Or should I have simply unloaded on you in my reply instead of pussyfooting around my feelings? I gave you the benefit of the doubt and assumed that you had grown up, too bad I was wrong. Either way, FUCK YOU! Your loss BOTH times!

I got a reply already... should I be happy about her hard times? Should it make me feel good to know that she went a bit off the deep end after we split? I think that makes me a bad person but for some reason it is good to know that she had a hard time. I am glad that she is better, maybe there could be a friendship there again, I just don't know what direction to take this in. Slower is probably best.

okay I finally sat down and responded to Libby's e-mail.....kind of long but here it is:

Libby,

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner but I thought it best to think about what I was going to say before I replied. My initial reaction was not a nice one and after talking with Jen I decided that I needed to respond with my true feelings not just a knee jerk reaction to hearing from you again. I've spent a few days putting some thought into what I should say to you, I'm not sure how much of it will come out in this e-mail, and I think my head is clear enough to respond now.

I'm not exactly sure where I should begin so I'll just start with where I'm at today. I am currently married (as close as we can legally get to it at least) to Jennifer and have been for 7 and a half years. I did go to Oakland University in the fall of 95 for psychology but found that my heart wasn't really into it. I later transferred to Baker College and have since graduated with a degree in Computer Networking Technology. I've always been a techie nerd at heart and was fortunate enough to find someone willing to take me under their wing and get me started in the business very early on. I have been working in the field since 1997 and am currently a Network Administrator @ TRW Automotive in Fenton, Mi. I build pc's on the side for fun and maintain my personal website silentlegacy.com. I also spend as much time as possible camping, backpacking, birding, painting, drawing, playing my guitar(s), and writing. Jennifer and I have talked about starting a family and if all goes well by this time next year there will be a baby on the way. I never really thought I would have kids but it seems the older I get the more I see them in my immediate future. A lot has changed in my life since I knew you. And most of it for the better.

My original e-mail was not really a jab to get my name taken down, I am actually trying to get my name out there myself. That is why I was running a search on Google for it. I have submitted my site to them a few times, but have not shown up in the directory yet, so every once in a while I run a search for my name to see if the link is there. I honestly don't care if you leave me out there on your Q&A page I have nothing to hide, including my relationship with you. I am "out" to everyone I know, family included. I never sat down and told my extended family, but if they haven't figured it out by now they are dumber than I thought. It's not an issue in my life and my family and I don't talk about it much. They know that Jennifer and I plan to spend the rest of our lives together and they accept her as part of the family. I am "out" at work as well. It was a big deal, and I was the talk of the water cooler, for about two days. But I am not the only one here and, again, nobody really cares. They all understand that my private life does not in any way affect my job performance and it's another one of those things you just never talk about. I'm honest to anyone who will ask the question but I am not someone who introduces myself like "Hi I'm Shannon and I'm gay." I never put much stock in labels and am perfectly happy just being a unique individual who happens to also be head over heels in love with someone of the same sex.

I'll be honest, I'm glad that you are sorry. I never asked you to spend your summer at Old Mission nor did I promise to be there with you. I also know that the relationship was ending long before you ever left school. It was ending long before I left school in January. I don't hold any grudges, at least not anymore. I admit I was hurt that you ended it that way but I know now that it was for the best. I don't think we ever had a good relationship as partners. I did at the time. I use to think that was the way it was suppose to be. I've grown up since then and realize that a life long partnership has a lot of give and take. We never had that. We had a lot of giving and taking but it always seemed to be in one direction. I don't regret anything, not the friendship, not the partnership, nothing about us except that we were not meant to be together. We are too different.

As for a friendship, the honest answer is I don't know. We have some things to get straight between us before I can even think about a long term friendship. I am not sure we can get past our differences anymore either. I overlooked them when were going out, and ignored them if and when they came up. I am not sure I can do that anymore. I'm not saying you can never contact me again, just that there are some deep issues we need to talk about between us. If we can get that taken care of without hating each other again then you and I will need to talk with Jennifer together. She knows the good the bad and the ugly about you and I, we have no secrets, and I intend to keep it that way. I know that she is looking out for my best interest and I have to warn you she is far more cautious than I am about any friendship between us. She is not jealous, vindictive, or our to get you in any way but she knows our history and is not about to let me walk back into an ambush and be hurt again.

I have said my peace and will leave it up to you about future contact. I make no promises other than I will not just leave you hanging. If I decide it won't work I will let you know not just ignore the e-mail.

Shannon

Heard back from Libby, she apologized and actually asked me to be friends in a round about way. I haven't replied yet, not sure how to handle it really. I don't know if the friendship thing would really work...we are at odds on a lot of issues that could get in the way. I have half a mind to write her back thanking her for making me see the light before it was too late and giving me the chance to act on my feelings toward Jen. I would love to rub it in her face and gloat about my success in that area, but I am a bigger person than that, I think. I don't need to make her feel like shit to make me feel better, besides Jen said NO! I guess I'll think about it for a few more days before I decide. Wouldn't want to regret the decision either way down the road. I just need to be careful, there are some serious hard feelings between us and Jen would love to smack her for all the shit she pulled with me, but they might end up getting along, maybe. I just don't know if it's fair to ask Jen to allow me to attempt a friendship with my ex even thought there are no feelings there and jealousy shouldn't apply. I guess the question is would I want her to do it to me? I just don't know! Until I find that answer I should probably back off and think this through.