Join me in the band

Dance Band on the Titanic
Artist:Harry Chapin

(chorus)
Dance band on the Titanic
Sing "Nearer, my God, to Thee
"The iceberg's on the starboard bow
Won't you dance with me

Mama stood cryin' at the dockside
Sayin' "Please son, don't take this trip
"I said "Mama, sweet Mama, don't you worry none"
"Even God couldn't sink this ship"

Well, the whistle blew and they turned the screws
It turned the water into foam
Destination sweet salvation
Goodbye home sweet home

I'm in the
(chorus)

There was a trombone and a saxophone
The bass and drums were cookin' up the bandstand
And I was strummin' in the middle with this dude on the fiddle
And we were three days out from land

And now the foghorn's jammed and moanin
'Hear it groanin' through the misty night
I heard the lookout shout down "There's icebergs around"
"But still everything's all right"

(chorus)

They were burnin' all the flares for candles
In the banquet they were throwin' in first class
And we were blowin' waltzes in the barroom
When the universe went CRASH!

"There's no way that this could happen"
I could hear the old captain curse
He ordered lifeboats away, that's when I heard the chaplain say
"Women and children and chaplains first"

Well, they soon used up all of the lifeboats
But there were a lot of us left on board
I heard the drummer sayin' "Boys, just keep playin'"
"Now we're doin' this gig for the Lord"

I heard the (chorus)

There's a wild-eyed boy in the radio shack
He's the last remaining guest
He was tappin' in a Morse code frenzy
Tappin' "Please God, S.O.S."

Jesus Christ can walk on the water
But a music man will drown
They say that Nero fiddled while Rome burned up
Well, I was strummin' as the ship go down

(chorus)

Didn't I see this in the movies?

The Titanic

It was on one Monday morning
Just about one o'clock
When that great ship Titanic
Began to reel and rock
People began to scream and cry
Saying Lord I'm a-gonna die
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)
It was sad, it was sad, it was sad
When that great ship went down
Husbands and wives
Little children lost their lives
It was sad when that great ship went down.

When that ship left England
It was making for the shore
The rich refused to associate
With the poor
So they put the poor below
They were the first to go
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)

When they were a-building
They said what they would do
We will build a ship
That the water can't go through
But God with power in hand
Showed the world that it could not stand
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)

The people on that ship
Were a long way from home
With friends all around
They didn't know that the time had come
Death came riding by
Fifteen hundred had to die
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)

When Paul was sailing
His men all around
God told him
That not a man should drown
If you trust in me and obey
I will save you all the day
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)

You know it must have been awful
With those people on the sea
It's said that they were singing
Nearer My God to Thee
While some were homeward bound
Fifteen hundred had to drown
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(chorus)

By William and Versey Smith

Just another of those days ...

Young child with dreams
Dream every dream on your own
When children play
Seems like you end up alone
Papa says he'd love to be with you
If he had the time
so you turn to the only friend you can find
There in your mind

...

Shilo when I was young
I use to call your name
When no one else would come
Shilo you always came
Come today

Neil Diamond - Shilo

Where the world Ends-

Where the world Ends
-a rewritten version of Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the world ends
And before the sea begins
And there the breeze blows constant and swift
And there the sun burns crimson bright
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool on the painted cliffs.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the animals go
To the place where the world ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where no signs or arrows go,
Follow the animals path, they mark, and the animals, they know
The place where the world ends.

--Shane

My new attitude on life and relationships ...

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say...

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say...

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say

John Mayer - Say

Off the wall quote for an off the wall day

"If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream."

Midsummers Night Dream

Not suicidal, just frustrated and worn out!

Please God please I'll pay any cost
If you'd just stop the world cause I wanna get off

Kid rock - Prodigal Son

It was worth it

One of the best features of my little Mazda 3i is the thumb controls on the steering wheel that allow me to adjust radio settings like volume, stations, and input (swap between AM, FM1/FM2, and CD). I use them constantly! It's typical for me to surf through radio stations on my hour plus drive to and from the office and this morning was no exception. I started my drive, still a little sleepy at 7:20am and per the norm had a CD playing. The radio stations around my house all have awful programming in the mornings and since I lose their signals within the first 20 minutes of my drive anyway, I don't even bother trying to find one broadcasting something I can stomach anymore.

The disk was Van Zant, one Jen had put in while driving my car to work Friday (I had the day off!) and while I like the group, I just wasn't in the mood for their soulful southern rock style. I decided to replace the disk with one that I knew had a little heaver tone to it and tapped the eject button. As the CD player spit the Van Zant disk out at me, the radio automatically kicked over to the last station it was playing before a CD was put in. As I reached for the disk to make the swap, something rare happened; the radio station was wrapping up their newscast and announced the song they would play after the commercial break. It was a local country radio station whose new morning show consists of mostly chatter and little music is ever played. I was surprised to hear that they were actually going to play a song at all let alone one I might like. When I heard the group that was in queue, I decided to wait out the commercials and see what their new single was.

Two and a half minutes and four commercials later, my waiting finally paid off as the station began to play the "new single from Rascal Flatts". Since I haven't bought a new CD for myself in years (the dawn of downloadable MP3's ended that weekly habit) I was not aware that the group even had a new CD out let alone that this was their third single release from it. Rascal Flatts happens to be one of the few country bands who have yet to put out a single or album that I don't like. With high expectations, I listened intently to the melody while the miles rolled on. The song was almost over by the time the words of the chorus sunk in and I honestly began to listen to what they were singing. "Sometimes I swear, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin' But you always say something without even knowin' That I'm hangin' on to your words With all of my might and it's alright Yeah, I'm alright for one more night. Every day you save my life".

I knew that feeling, I'd been there in my life, and I knew exactly what the song was about. I was a little taken back at first; it felt like someone had crawled inside my head and pulled the lyrics from the back of the filing cabinet labeled "Junior High/High School". My initial reaction was to turn up the volume, enter the wonderful thumb controls on the steering wheel once again. Unfortunately, that was the last verse of the song and except for a few repeats of the chorus, it was all over. Knowing this was not the only country radio station in the area I began to flip channels hoping to find someone else who may play it again. Cumulus Media owns a ton of stations in the area and they tend to have the same play lists that are run a few minutes apart from one another so my chances of catching the song again as I traveled south were pretty good. Sure enough, I managed to get into the Detroit broadcasting range and picked up one of their stations who was wrapping up their news segment and headed to commercial break. I waited! Once again I was rewarded for sitting through the commercials, something I rarely do these days, and after the break they too played the single from Rascal Flatts I now knew was titled Every Day.

You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day you save my life

Rascal Flatts - Every Day

This time I listened to every word of both verse and chorus and by the end of the song knew it was one that would quickly be added to my collection. As I sat there taking in the lyrics I realized a few things. I was a little sad as I remembered hanging out in junior high and high school with those few people who "could've bowed out gracefully" and "knew enough to leave well enough alone" but didn't. I never thought I would ever miss the crazy and painful days of my youth but occasionally I find that I do. At the same time, I was happy because I remember often feeling like things were so overwhelming at times that I found myself relying on others to get me through. I remember the feeling of grasping at anything that was said and hanging on "with all of my might"; it always seemed to get me through somehow.

The realization that thankfully, I haven't been in that position for a very long time pretty much made my day. I've been stressed out, depressed, and had occasional moments spent pondering if it's all worth it in the end lately and to be honest, I even scared myself once or twice recently. As I was reminded of the dark days of my youth when I was truly desperate and suicidal, I came to the realization that I was nowhere near that path again and breathed a slow sigh of relief.

I am happy with the way my life has turned out thus far and I've gotten to a point that I realize all the rough times in the past needed to happen, they got me where I am today. I endured a lot in my youth and in the decade or so since graduating high school but it wasn't all for nothing. Without the feeling of not fitting in anywhere, I wouldn't have agreed to play "The Game" in 4th grade. That decision was the catalyst, but not the whole cause, for a downward spiral that took me to a very dark place in life. with out that event in my life, I may not have slipped so deep into depression that I thought suicide was the only cure. Without the stigma of knowing I was different than everyone close to me, I may not have befriended so many adults in junior high that helped to shape my future and show me there were better ways to deal with the pain. Without being outed in high school and enduring the abuse and stigma that came with it, I wouldn't have developed the thick skin I would require as armor for the rest of my life and, I may not have been strong enough to be there for Jen as she struggled with her own issues. Without The insecurities that led to a 3-year separation, my relationship with Jen wouldn't be the unconditional and unwavering support structure that now balances my life perfectly. Without the separation from Jack, Unconditional may never have been written and I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to share it with those that need it most (You're welcome Dave). Without my past, I wouldn't be who I am today!

It always amazes me how the simplest actions, like ejecting a CD on my way into work, can trigger such emotional and life altering events. Hearing that song, listening to those words that so perfectly describe how I once felt, made me realize just how much time has changed me over the years. I'm all grown up now and have proven those who worked so hard to make me see the light in my youth right. The pain and struggles of my youth seem like a distant memory now, some days a little less distant than others, but I have learned from them and they have made me stronger in the end. I wouldn't change a thing!

It's OVER!

I SURVIVED!

I have endured another 6 weeks of C++ coding and have lived to tell the tale. The grades are not yet calculated but baring a major mistake on that last project worth almost 1/3 of the final grade I have survived the hell of C++ coding forever. Should my grade be a minimum of a C- I do not ever have to code in that horrific language again! All that remains now is Java ... and I'm putting that off until next fall!

It's almost over!

WHOO HOO!

Only 10 more days of torture!

An exercise in total randomness!

Okay maybe it's lack of sleep, or too much sleep but my brain is runing off in random circles today and the thoughts are getting all jumbled up and mixed together, kind of like what you are about to read. On my way in today I heard the beginning of Don McLean,s American Pie and by the third verse my brain was singing a different song all together. I decided to post what it came up with, they fit together surprisingly well though they are three very different song lyrics.


A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying the stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying the stairway to heaven.

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

- Don McLean, The Eagles, Led Zepplin
American Pie, Hotel California, Stairway to Heaven

To those who've been there

I have run to the ocean
Through the Horizon
Chased the sun
I've waited for the light to come,
And at times I would give up
You have
Wrapped your loving arms 'round me,
And with your love I'll overcome.
You have
Loved me when I was weak,
You have
Given unselfishly,
Kept me from Falling...Falling

Scott Stapp
The Great Divide

You know who you are ... to those who were there in the past ... this song just reminded me of all of you. Sometimes someone else says it better than I can.
Thanks for everything.

Yes I'm Okay ... HONEST!

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

[REFRAIN]

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please
....and you can do the same thing if you please.

Suicide is Painless
By: Mike Altman

On The Loose

Chorus:
On the loose to climb a mountain, on the loose where I am free
On the loose to live my life the way I think my life should be
For I only have a moment and the whole world yet to see
I'll be looking for tomorrow on the loose

Have you ever seen the sunrise turn the sky completely red?
Have you slept beneath the moon and stars, a pine bough for your bed?
Do you sit and talk with friends though a word is never said?
Then you're just like me and you've been on the loose
Chorus

There's a trail that I'll be hiking just to see where it might go
Many places yet to visit, many people yet to know
And in following my dreams, I will live and I will grow
On a trail that's waiting out there on the loose
Chorus

So in search of love and laughter I'll be traveling 'cross this land
Never sure of where I'm going for I haven't any plan
And in time when you are ready, come and join me, take my hand
And together we'll share life out on the loose
Chorus

As I sit and watch the sunset and the daylight slowly fades
I am thinking of tommorow and the friendships we have made
I will value them for always and I hope you'll do the same
And forever we'll explore life on the loose
Chorus

Kanga's Song

Walk with me and talk with me and
say you'll be my friend
And together we'll work out harmonies
Our road will never end

Although out roads are different
Just watch as they converge
We've gotta job to do together
our song, it must be heard

Walk with me and talk with me and
say you'll be my friend
And together we'll work out harmonies
Our road will never end

Sisters for the summer
That is what the children say
But little do they know that when they go away
our friendships never fade

Walk with me and talk with me and
say you'll be my friend
And together we'll work out harmonies
Our road will never end

So when you're down I'll build you up and
when you're up I'll laugh with you
And together we'll find a peace of mind
That only friends can find

Walk with me and talk with me and
say you'll be my friend
And together we'll work out harmonies
Our road will never end
Our road will never end

It just seemed to fit today as I read and re-read her letter. I'm still drafting my reply, it seems to have gottena little long. I'll send it soon though.

A little Venting

I can't find the rhyme in all my reason
Lost sense of time and all seasons
Feel I've been beaten down
By the words of men who have no grounds
Can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them
Forked tongues in bitter mouths
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

I've seen the wicked fruit of your vine
Destroy the man who lacks a strong mind
Human pride sings a vengeful song
Inspired by the times you've been walked on
My stage is shared by many millions
Who lift their hands up high because they feel this
We are one
We are strong
The more you hold us down the more we press on

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

Creed - What If

Simple Gifts

Food for thought this Holiday season ...

'Tis the gift to be simple
'tis the gift to be free
'tis the gift to come
down where you ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
It will be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
'Til by turning, turning we come round right

- Simple Gifts by:Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett, Jr

Runnnig through my head again ...

I've watched you go through changes
That no man should face alone
Take to heel or tame the horse
The choice is still your own
But arm yourself against the pain
A wounded bird can give
And in the end remember
It's with you you have to live
And in the end remember
It's with you you have to live

Stand your ground I think you've got
The guts it takes to win
But you must learn to turn the keys
Before she'll let you in
And understand the problems of the one you want
So near or you'll wear the coat of questions `til the
Answer hat is here
You'll wear the coat of questions `til the
Answer hat is here

Serenade your angel with a love song from your eyes
Grow a little taller even though your age defies
Feel a little smaller
And in stature you will rise
A hobo or a poet must kill dragons for a bride;
And humble pie is always hard to swallow
With your pride

-Graham Nash

Wounded Bird

Seems to fit my outlook for now

I do not have to justify
The way I live my life
I do not have to justify
The reason I'm alive

- Scott Stapp Justify

Stuck in my head!

"Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am on oh those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it

Sometimes i give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid? ..."

Green Day - Basket Case