Moving on

Found this in a letter I sent to a friend in late 2019. Felt like it belonged on here as well.

What once was, can never be again

Time lost, never to return

Stop. Listen. Take a breath

Allow your heart a moment to mourn

Then move intently

One careful step at a time toward tomorrow

In your brave new world

                            - Shane 2019

The Race

It was inevitable
This test, this result
Another battle has begun
In a race that won't be won
Another reminder of how little they really know
Of how fragile life has grown
And how far we have yet to go
In this race against time

This is the point where some give in
Let time win
And simply wait for it to end
But lucky for us, that's just not your style
Instead, you'll get up again
Brush the dust from your smile
And head down the path laid out before you
Ready to fight your way to the end

Though we can’t win this race for you
Or even join in on the fight
We’ll never be far from your side
Ready to catch you when you fall
To help you get up again

With friends and family near
Your support system all in place
This is a battle you just might win
Another chance to prolong the race

Legacy

Legacy

We buried him today
Laid to rest with those who have passed before him
Not far from where he once called home
He’s now reached that final goal
And our healing process begins

Life goes on without him there
To wipe our tears
To quiet our fears
To offer up a big ole hug in hopes of easing our pain

We know he is with us
In the giggles and laughter of his grand children
Some yet to be heard
In the smiles of his children
Those related by choice and by blood
And in the legacy he left behind
With each and every life he touched

We know he is watching over us
Making certain we listen
As he whispers words of wisdom most will never hear
Like echoes on the wind
They’ll brush past our ears
Sink slowly into our heads
And become second nature in our times of need

A piece of all of us was buried today
A piece we can never reclaim of ourselves
But in its place we each carry a piece of him
A parting gift to cherish forever
Knowing his legacy will live on through us

in progress

Was doing a little blog re-organization and ran across this draft I never published ... It was originally penned back in 2008, somewhere between May and September. It is by no means a complete work, but I'll share it anyway.

Can't concentrate, can't think
Thoughts keep drifting back in time
Memories of our last encounters
Things he said, looks he gave
Advice he offered so effortlessly

Months have passed between us
Always too busy to make the time
Life goes on day by day
Each one slipping quietly into the past
Time stacking up against us
Knowing one day will be our last

Was that it, the last I will see of him
That chilly day in May
When my thoughts were somewhere else
Off in my own little world
Listening intently as he spoke
Gave of himself, sat patiently for my answers
Telling me "I'll Wait" when I would pause between them
All the while knowing
I was somewhere else

It was his birthday, but I forgot
It was the beginning, and the end
A day filled with tears, and hope
Of mixed emotions, weakness, and strength
The last day I heard my grandfather's voice
The last day I believed I was a misfit
The first day my eyes were truely open wide
The first day I could see the reason it all changed

In the emotional falout of that day
I learned, I grew, I changed
I asked the hard questions
And gave answers to them more freely
When they were asked of me
Yet some things remain the same

Our lives are forever intertwined
The distance between us
A double edged sword
A new balance i know I must find

Desiderata - by Max Ehrmann

A recent e-mail from a close friend inspired me to look up the origin of the quote "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should" today. What I found was that it came from the poem Desiderata written by Max Ehrmann around 1920 and copyrighted in 1927. Though some of it's verse is a little "preechy" in my opinion, they are easily overlooked by the general tone of the piece. Read it with open eyes and I bet you too will find something truly inspirational in it's verses.


For more information on the author, it's origin, and the myths surounding this piece, CLICK HERE

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Thanks Jack!

Gone Away Again

And so I'm off to mend my friend
Tucked securely inside my shell again
This cozy dark place is comforting
All snug and warm
Safely hidden from the outside world

I come here often it seems
When the seas get rough
And the skies appear to open up
In here where it's safe
To ride out the storm

Another storm has come
And will not pass soon it seems
So for those who wonder where I've gone
Knock a little on top of my shell
Or maybe just yell
I may not answer right away
But I promise to poke my head out again some day

SHANE 09

Office politics ... way too much like High School

I guess I was probably a little over due for a reality check on discrimination and discomfort with the whole subject of homosexuality for far too many people out there. It has been a long time since it has slapped me in the face as a reminder that not everyone out there is comfortable with my sexuality and some are down right offended by it. To be honest, I’m a little uncomfortable with the idea of women sleeping with men, but I don’t’ go around telling all the breeders of the world to stop loving who they love and prohibit their rights to equality and free speech.

This all began last Friday when I innocently wore my Dykes on bikes club T-Shirt to work since it was a jeans day. I got a few smirks and second glances as I walked in and up to my desk, but nothing out of the ordinary or all that unexpected. I also managed to get a few compliments on the design and one person asked where they could get one like it. It was a quiet day around the office and I went on with the business of my day, left my desk a grand total of three times, and had extremely limited contact with the rest of my co-workers. Yet, at about 11:30 my direct supervisor came and asked me to come with him. As we passed by his office where I assumed we were headed, he told me we needed to go talk to the Director of our department … never a good thing. I was told that I was in violation of the company dress code because my T-shirt fell into the vague category of “overly controversial” and that I would need to take the remainder of the afternoon off (with pay) because I did not have another shirt to change into. Let the drama begin.

I asked few questions, knowing that the office politics were not worth getting upset over right then and there, returned to my office to close out of all my files, grabbed my bag, and headed to the human Rescources office. It was then that I learned that HR had no idea I was being sent home, seemed a little strange to me, and that the person who was in HR that day could not explain to me why the shirt was so controversial. She requested that I bring it back Monday so that her boss could look into the matter for me. On that note, I left the building at about noon on a beautiful sunny June afternoon and enjoyed my suddenly extended weekend. I had some things I needed to get done before Monday morning, which is what I was working on when I was called away from my desk. I made the decision that if I was not allowed to work my regular schedule to complete those tasks they could wait until next week and the project would simply be delayed a week, no skin off my nose. I didn’t do a single work related thing from Friday at noon until I arrived today at 8:30 to start the new week. Thank you for the time off!
I had time to cool off over the weekend, to let the irritation slide a little bit and approach the issue with a little more political tact that I could have mustered Friday. I scheduled a meeting with the HR manager as directed and took in the shirt so he could look at it. The first words out of his mouth “Wow that’s a pretty shirt. I wouldn’t mind wearing one of these.” Then he attempted to answer my questions and assure me that he will look into the matter for me. He also apologized on behalf of the company that I felt “singled out”. Until that moment, I didn’t realize that everyone else sees this as a clear case of discrimination. I was simply asking why the shirt was controversial, not why I couldn’t wear it. If it doesn’t fit the dress code for jeans Fridays, I won’t wear it. But I need to know why it doesn’t fit so that I don’t wear another shirt that may land me in the same situation. So far, nobody can tell me the answer to that question.

In that short conversation with HR, I don’t feel much better about any of this. If anything, I’m more confused. What I learned is that if one single person is uncomfortable with or offended by a shirt you wear to work you can be sent home, presuming that the dress code is enforced universally. I guess this means that for every Christian, political, sports team affiliated, etc shirt I see that I disagree with I should take my concern to HR rather than being an adult, considering the source, and walking away. I was also reminded that there are people in this office, a place I have been comfortable enough to be out from the moment I walked in on my first day, that are so uncomfortable with my sexual orientation that merely being reminded of it is offensive to them. Seeing gay pride colors or slogans on my shirt, or the trade marked name of a lesbian motorcycle organization makes them so uncomfortable that they can’t get their work done if it is in the building. Yet those same people see nothing wrong with spouting Bible verses, wearing Christian themed shirts, and discussing Christian topics in the middle of the office corridors where not every employees of this company is a Christian. Ahh the double standard.

My saga continues over the T-shirt controversy as the HR manager asks questions of those involved in the decision to send me home, and to our parent companies HR department to find out their view of the situation and how things should have been handled. In the mean time, I’m uncomfortable being in the building today, and experiencing a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time, hatred toward me for something I can not, nor do I wish to change. I know it is their ignorance that will one day be their downfall. I know that I must be the bigger person and allow them their prejudice, but I don’t like this familiar feeling of being alone in the crowded office and not even able to look my department head in the face let alone the eye. He has forever lost my respect simply for the way in which he handled the situation. I guess it’s fitting that he is obviously uncomfortable around me today as well. He has not said a single word to me in the handful of time I have crossed his path and more than once he has seen me walking toward him in the hall and turned away rather than acknowledge my presence. Feels like high school all over again in so many ways!

Born into a world that will never understand you
Forced to live a life that will never make you whole
Spend your whole life wondering why it doesn’t feel right
Or listen to your heart and set yourself free
Stand up
Stand out
Stand tall
Never let their hate filled words break your resolve
You’re not a freak, a mistake of nature
You deserve to belong and to be loved
You are human too!

Misfit in my own family

This could use a little polishing but I decided against it. Instead I'm simply posting it as was written, full of raw emotion and rough around the edges.

----------------

Have you ever felt invisible
Like no one in the room can see you
Or hear a word you say?

Brushed aside by those who should care
Told that you don't matter
By their actions
But not the words they say?

A room full of laughter and life
sounds of joy and excitement
voices raise to be heard
But one is silenced in the fight
Competing for attention their volume increases
Tones become angry as they are brushed aside
Silence and solitude is what I seek
Another day with my family
Another reminder I just don't fit

I can't compete
And choose instead to retreat
To find my happy place
Where their raised voices don't reach
Where I can be alone with my thoughts
Alone in my world
And remember why I'm here

I'm not a kid anymore
I can stand on my own two feet
I don't need their support or approval
Yet each time it doesn't come
It stings a little more

I don't want to be here
Don't want to feel this way
I want to fit in
to be a part of them
But I can't change who I am
And don't need them anyway

Words of love
Actions of disapproval
conflicting messages intertwined
Feeling myself slip backward
Dark images haunt my mind

I won't give up
I'm worth more than this
No hope of repair
Just leave them behind
Move on without them
Stop pinning my happiness on a crazy wish
Family they'll always be
But it's time to separate myself
Time to just be me.

A little mishap .. It was bound to happen eventually

What was once shiny and new
Is now slightly dented, boo hoo!
Fear of the lean
Led to a turn in the green
Wet rubber met smooth pavement
And over she went!

So it was moderately nice out last night, temps hovering around 40 as the sun slowly set behind the trees, and Jen and I went for a short ride. Still no accessories so I was extra careful not to tweak the throttle too quick and send her flying off the rear fender. She closed her eyes and did pretty good leaning with me in the turns. Once she sat up but I noticed a pothole and decided to take the corner wider about the same time so it was not a big deal. The tires are still slick (new tires have a silicone coating on them that needs to wear down before taking turns too tight) and it was my first trip with weight on the back so I was careful but managed to get her leaning pretty good by the end of the short ride.

After dropping her off at home, I needed to go fill the tank, which meant my first trip out of the neighborhood and onto a semi-busy street (with a speed limit of 55). Unfortunately, my brain was thinking about driving on Grand Blanc road before I got out of the driveway and I didn't trust the bike making the turn. Instead of leaning it over like I should have I took the turn WAY wide and drove across a short section of wet grass. I let off the throttle before the back tire touched pavement again but it wasn't enough to keep it from sliding out from under me. I managed to get my foot down, then the right knee, which suffered a bit of road rash in the process, and finally the bike came to a semi-gentle stop resting on the right foot peg and muffler. I shut the engine off and climbed out from under it a little shaken but in tact. It only took a second to remember how to pick the thing up, turn the handle bars so the front tire is pointing to the side of the bike that is up, hold in the front brake with one hand (in this case the left), put my butt in the saddle and my right hand on the rear fender, then rolled it up on the front tire and set it on the kick stand.

Once it was upright again, I cautiously looked down to survey the damage. Much to my surprise there was almost none. The bottom of the foot peg is a little scraped up, nothing that wouldn't have happened in riding it around tight corners, and there is a flat spot on the under side of the bottom muffler that I only found with my hand, you can't even see it when you look at the bike. WHEW! I survived my first crash and the bike is barely damaged. Not even a scratch on the beautiful paint job!

Ride On!

A little Spring Cleaning

Don't freak out on me ... I was cleaning my desk at work and found this scribbled on the back of a piece of paper under my monitor. I'm posting it just to get it logged ... there is NOTHING wrong.

Anger, Frustration, Rage against the world
Standing back silent
As the white flag is unfurled
Hands clenched in fists of anger
Lashing out at every stranger
Mouth open wide
Screams fill the room
Nowhere to hide

Awakened with a shiver
Running down my spine
Tears flowing like a river
Thoughts, Fears, Memories
Spinning circles in my mind

Random Dream

Water rushing in
Filling this small room
Calmly I succumb
close my eyes tight
Feel my body pulled under
No sense of doom
Silent peace instead
I retreat from the world
Let my thoughts run free
Floating inside my own head

Clouds dark and grey
No sign of the sun
not a single ray
Night is calling
Snow is falling
Whispers in the dark
Ghosts from my past
Wounds from battles left their mark
No where to turn
No where to run
Like zombies from the grave
They come crawling back

Fire burning bright
Fueled by my freight
Silently watching the flames
Failures of my youth slowly burn

Light streaming from above
Rays of light dance among the waves
Eyes open wide
I have survived

Clouds gave way
To a beautiful new day
And I'm still here
To bask in all it's glory
Another night survived
Another day begins
Another chance to get it right

Untitled

Memories of the past
Like ghosts from my youth
Come flooding back

My Secret Spot

I know a place where I can go
To escape from the world
A secret place that only I know
Where no one else will follow
A place where I can be myself
With no one there to judge
To laugh, or joke, or ridicule
A place where I can be alone

High atop a sandy cliff
Cool blue waters pooled below
Where the breeze never slows
And the sun always shines
On warm summer days
Climb out along the old tree trunk
Careful not to slip
Staring out into the waves below
Silently I sit

9-11-01 ... How'd it get there?

I was searching Google to see if they had indexed the new sites yet ... and found this on someone else's page. Since I wrote it I decided to post it here!

I saw a man cry today
A man with nerves of steel, a face of stone
And a heart of gold

I saw a man cry today
A man we all turned to, in our hour of need
To guide us through our pain

I saw a man cry today
Filled with sorrow, and pain
Unsure of what will come tomorrow

I saw a man cry today
In a city torn apart, ravaged by terror
And missing its heart

I saw a man cry today
Mourning the loss, of innocence and life
Not sure of what to say

I saw a man cry today
We all thought invincible, but we were wrong
He's only human after all

Shannon Elaine DuBey

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