The disk was Van Zant, one Jen had put in while driving my car to work Friday (I had the day off!) and while I like the group, I just wasn't in the mood for their soulful southern rock style. I decided to replace the disk with one that I knew had a little heaver tone to it and tapped the eject button. As the CD player spit the Van Zant disk out at me, the radio automatically kicked over to the last station it was playing before a CD was put in. As I reached for the disk to make the swap, something rare happened; the radio station was wrapping up their newscast and announced the song they would play after the commercial break. It was a local country radio station whose new morning show consists of mostly chatter and little music is ever played. I was surprised to hear that they were actually going to play a song at all let alone one I might like. When I heard the group that was in queue, I decided to wait out the commercials and see what their new single was.
Two and a half minutes and four commercials later, my waiting finally paid off as the station began to play the "new single from Rascal Flatts". Since I haven't bought a new CD for myself in years (the dawn of downloadable MP3's ended that weekly habit) I was not aware that the group even had a new CD out let alone that this was their third single release from it. Rascal Flatts happens to be one of the few country bands who have yet to put out a single or album that I don't like. With high expectations, I listened intently to the melody while the miles rolled on. The song was almost over by the time the words of the chorus sunk in and I honestly began to listen to what they were singing. "Sometimes I swear, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin' But you always say something without even knowin' That I'm hangin' on to your words With all of my might and it's alright Yeah, I'm alright for one more night. Every day you save my life".
I knew that feeling, I'd been there in my life, and I knew exactly what the song was about. I was a little taken back at first; it felt like someone had crawled inside my head and pulled the lyrics from the back of the filing cabinet labeled "Junior High/High School". My initial reaction was to turn up the volume, enter the wonderful thumb controls on the steering wheel once again. Unfortunately, that was the last verse of the song and except for a few repeats of the chorus, it was all over. Knowing this was not the only country radio station in the area I began to flip channels hoping to find someone else who may play it again. Cumulus Media owns a ton of stations in the area and they tend to have the same play lists that are run a few minutes apart from one another so my chances of catching the song again as I traveled south were pretty good. Sure enough, I managed to get into the Detroit broadcasting range and picked up one of their stations who was wrapping up their news segment and headed to commercial break. I waited! Once again I was rewarded for sitting through the commercials, something I rarely do these days, and after the break they too played the single from Rascal Flatts I now knew was titled Every Day.
You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
I come around all broken down and crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
Sometimes I swear, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day you save my lifeRascal Flatts - Every Day
This time I listened to every word of both verse and chorus and by the end of the song knew it was one that would quickly be added to my collection. As I sat there taking in the lyrics I realized a few things. I was a little sad as I remembered hanging out in junior high and high school with those few people who "could've bowed out gracefully" and "knew enough to leave well enough alone" but didn't. I never thought I would ever miss the crazy and painful days of my youth but occasionally I find that I do. At the same time, I was happy because I remember often feeling like things were so overwhelming at times that I found myself relying on others to get me through. I remember the feeling of grasping at anything that was said and hanging on "with all of my might"; it always seemed to get me through somehow.
The realization that thankfully, I haven't been in that position for a very long time pretty much made my day. I've been stressed out, depressed, and had occasional moments spent pondering if it's all worth it in the end lately and to be honest, I even scared myself once or twice recently. As I was reminded of the dark days of my youth when I was truly desperate and suicidal, I came to the realization that I was nowhere near that path again and breathed a slow sigh of relief.
I am happy with the way my life has turned out thus far and I've gotten to a point that I realize all the rough times in the past needed to happen, they got me where I am today. I endured a lot in my youth and in the decade or so since graduating high school but it wasn't all for nothing. Without the feeling of not fitting in anywhere, I wouldn't have agreed to play "The Game" in 4th grade. That decision was the catalyst, but not the whole cause, for a downward spiral that took me to a very dark place in life. with out that event in my life, I may not have slipped so deep into depression that I thought suicide was the only cure. Without the stigma of knowing I was different than everyone close to me, I may not have befriended so many adults in junior high that helped to shape my future and show me there were better ways to deal with the pain. Without being outed in high school and enduring the abuse and stigma that came with it, I wouldn't have developed the thick skin I would require as armor for the rest of my life and, I may not have been strong enough to be there for Jen as she struggled with her own issues. Without The insecurities that led to a 3-year separation, my relationship with Jen wouldn't be the unconditional and unwavering support structure that now balances my life perfectly. Without the separation from Jack, Unconditional may never have been written and I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to share it with those that need it most (You're welcome Dave). Without my past, I wouldn't be who I am today!
It always amazes me how the simplest actions, like ejecting a CD on my way into work, can trigger such emotional and life altering events. Hearing that song, listening to those words that so perfectly describe how I once felt, made me realize just how much time has changed me over the years. I'm all grown up now and have proven those who worked so hard to make me see the light in my youth right. The pain and struggles of my youth seem like a distant memory now, some days a little less distant than others, but I have learned from them and they have made me stronger in the end. I wouldn't change a thing!
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