Okay so it's been 4 days since I posted, so shoot me! I spent Thursday evening at the funeral home with Jen and family, went to Sammy's funeral Friday, and Mom and Dad were down for the weekend. So I was busy and emotionally drained! I did figure out what the feeling was all about and why I got it when I did.

On my way out of work Thursday night Mike asked me why I wouldn't be in Friday. I told him I had a funeral to go to and of course he asked me whom it was for. I attempted to answer without giving away too much info. I wasn't sure how to tell him it was the fianc� of my wife's cousin without coming out and saying it. He go this confused look on his face and said something like "huh what?" Then it hit me, I got that same feeling in the pit of my stomach like I do every time he asks me a personal question. It's that trust thing! Nerves! Ever since Ron when someone asks a question that is a bit too personal I get that feeling. It's my body's reaction to someone getting too close. I do it with Mike all the time that's why it is so familiar! That's why when Libby actually told me about her (somewhat dysfunctional) relationship with Mark I got it. She trusted me enough to tell me what is going on in her life and it was fish or cut bait time for me. I had to decide if I wanted to let her get close or cut her loose. I still haven't made up my mind yet about her. I still have questions that have been asked and not answered. There is one in particular she has not answered that needs to be resolved before I can make my decision. I saw the look in Jen's eyes after she read my last 2 journal posts and thought that I may still have feelings for Libby. She was hurt to say the least. I had to explain that it's not what it was all about and things are better now, but I NEVER want to see that look again. I had time to think this weekend about everything that happened Wednesday and Thursday with Libby and I don't know if it's worth my efforts. Part of me wants to try but I know that I can't ever have what I'm looking for. I want my friend back. The friend I knew before we began dating. The person I could talk to about absolutely nothing until 3am. Nearest I can tell that person is gone. She has grown up and I barely know Libby anymore. After 8 years what the hell can I expect?

All I was concerned about for about 2 days was Libby and settling our past. Part of that was because it kept my mind off Sammy and Becky. That I'll admin to. The more Jen and I talked on Friday the more I realized that Libby was the topic of our discussions for almost 3 days. Again it was partly because we didn't want to talk about Sammy and Becky, but it was too much. Maybe if the timing had been different, if it had been the week before the only other thing I had to think about was being in Becky's shoes, it would have been different. It's too late now, it's done and over, and I am left wondering if it is all worth my time.

I just don't know yet. I should send another e-mail and ask my question once again. If she doesn�t answer it this time I guess I will have to go with my assumption and base my decision off that.