It's so easy ...

Thanks to my "smart phone" and the new Blogger app for Android ... my excuses for not updating this are rapidly dwindling. Posting here is now so easy a monkey could do it at least once every few weeks, which is a whole lot more often than I have been able to accomplish as of late.

The down side for you, there will be more "photo posts".

The downside for me, my thumbs will be getting quite a workout on the relatively small QWERETY slide out keyboard of my device. Oh, and I haven't found a spell check option in the app yet so there will be a whole lot more mistakes and proof reading involved! My sincere apologies!

Stuck Again!

Rock to my right, hard place to my left, and solid brick walls both front and back! That’s about where I sit these days and no matter how hard I look and how much I try to wriggle free, it doesn’t seem to be making a difference at all.

I’ve spent more than 15 years trying to build a relationship with someone, countless hours dedicated to spending time with them, helping them out whenever I could, and hoping that one day the reward of at least their tolerance would arrive. I’ve known for a long time that it never would, enter the rock-and-hard-place scenario. I am still asked to do things, offer assistance, etc. for someone who is so two-faced with me even I get fooled occasionally by their “nice side”. I would love to say no, refuse assistance to them every time I am asked and use a phrase that goes a little something like, “why would I help out someone who so clearly despises me until they need my assistance? Go use someone else!” Unfortunately, doing that would simply make the situation worse for all concerned. See this person happens to be a family member on my wife’s side and while at times we would both love to tell them to “kiss off”, it is impossible.

As a person who has more than once vowed to never be used again, and who refuses to tolerate others bigotry, I find myself eating those words where family is concerned. There are issues with both sides of the family, to one degree or another, and in all cases it will not improve nor go away. With the holidays rolling around again this year, my wife and I are wrestling with the same two choices we face each year, where to spend our holiday and how much of the baggage that comes with it are we willing to deal with. I know all families have their issues, and none are ever perfect, but just once it would be nice to have the end of the year holidays happen without all the family drama and misc. other crap that comes along for the ride.

We have talked about changing family traditions, admitting that with the youngest of us now over the age of 30 it is time to act like grown-ups and make new traditions for the holidays. I suspect that will be the case next year, and it is time to get the parents on board with this decision. Where we spend our holiday next year will be uncertain for a while yet, but one thing is very concrete, I will remain jammed between this rock and hard place biting my tongue and smiling as I continue to offer assistance when asked, anything else will only make the situation worse.

I choose the beginning ...

We see these phrases daily, as we log into the Twitter-verse and are asked “what’s happening?” or our Facebook pages and see “what’s on your mind” in the status update box at the top of the page. In general, most of us type something trivial about what we are planning to do with our day, or how we spent our weekend. I am not immune to this either, as many of you reading this already know. However, today is different.

Seeing this question today kicked my brain into full pondering mode and has left me to wonder if it is better to have gotten so close and had nothing in the end, or simply to have never gotten past that first all-important speed bump before failing? In some cases, failing in the beginning means you missed the joy of the adventure before it ended badly. I liken this to that T.V. show The Amazing Race. The goal of each team when they start is to win $1million but each of them knows their chances are slim. At the end of each televised broadcast, the team eliminated that week utters a similar sentiment. The all agree that they are upset for not winning the money, but wouldn’t have done it any different and that all-in-all, the journey, and whatever changes have happened to themselves and the relationship with their team mate were worth the pain in the end. In their case, failing at the end of the road, right before getting the check for $1million and walking away empty handed is painful, but well worth the trip. Had they failed in the beginning, right out of the starting gate, their adventure around the world would have been cut short. Failing this early in the game would have been worse for them than completing the race empty handed.

But this situation is not applied universally. Quite often, failing in at all is just as bad, no matter how far into the journey you are. Take the student of math who struggles through the first six of a twelve week course before reaching the point of no return. They know that there is no possible way to obtain a passing grade in the class, there is simply not enough time left in the class to raise their score enough. Knowing this at only six weeks into the class means they can stop wasting their time attending a class they will not pass. Instead they can concentrate their efforts on attending tutoring sessions that will help them one on one to grasp the concepts better for the next time they enroll in the very same class. The outcome is still a failing grade for the current semester, but with six weeks of “free time” they would not have had otherwise, they can begin to work on solving what is at the core of their poor grade rather than simply trying to catch up to the class who already grasps the concepts they missed in the first half of the class.

These are two very different examples, and neither comes close to resembling the true scenario I am contemplating in my head today, but for the purposes of this very public blog, they are close enough. I think for my personal situation, failing at all sucks, but getting so close to the end, within reach of that million dollar check if you will, would make the failure all the more painful and hard to swallow. My heart goes out to those who find themselves in that position.

A Donation Request

So it's almost fall again and in my family that now means fundraising for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer. Stop by the team page, link here, and join us or help in our efforts to raise $2000 for Breast Cancer Research!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11GreatLakes?team_id=767105&pg=team&fr_id=28046

Legacy

Legacy

We buried him today
Laid to rest with those who have passed before him
Not far from where he once called home
He’s now reached that final goal
And our healing process begins

Life goes on without him there
To wipe our tears
To quiet our fears
To offer up a big ole hug in hopes of easing our pain

We know he is with us
In the giggles and laughter of his grand children
Some yet to be heard
In the smiles of his children
Those related by choice and by blood
And in the legacy he left behind
With each and every life he touched

We know he is watching over us
Making certain we listen
As he whispers words of wisdom most will never hear
Like echoes on the wind
They’ll brush past our ears
Sink slowly into our heads
And become second nature in our times of need

A piece of all of us was buried today
A piece we can never reclaim of ourselves
But in its place we each carry a piece of him
A parting gift to cherish forever
Knowing his legacy will live on through us

In rememberance ...

I don’t remember the first time I met Tom Brenner, other than it was sometime in the fall of 1995, but I distinctly remember that uneasy first impression I got when he walked in. Tom had a presence when he entered the room, a rough exterior coating that teddy bear underneath, enhanced by what was probably a long day at work. I remember being growled at when my wife introduced us the first time. It was not a mean growl, just that low muttered sound of “hello” as a courtesy to the unknown person he most likely viewed as a threat to someone he was protective of. I don’t recall ever being afraid of him, but I suspect that is exactly what he was going for on our first meeting.

I’m not certain how many of us actually knew the real Tom, but I believe we all got a glimpse of him once in a while over the years and a few of us were lucky enough to get a good look at what he was really all about. My opportunity for that was this past Memorial Day weekend when my wife and I were in Tennessee to visit the Brenner clan. For a few hours Friday night, I saw a side of Tom I hadn’t in years past. It was the Wise Old Man and Father Figure who spent the evening talking about various subjects and offering his advice on how to handle situations we were facing. He let his guard down, assisted by the wine I’m sure, but I got a chance to see the real Tom and how he viewed the world, even if only for a few short hours.

He was a man who put family above all else and whose definition of family was quite broad. Not everyone he knew or considered a friend was also family, but those he knew well, and their families, were certainly included. It was that night I learned that I too was his family! By this point I had known Tom for almost 15 years, and had always viewed him as just Justin, Jenny, Drew, and Cassie’s dad. He was almost always pleasant toward me, sans those few bad days we all seem to have, but I had never really sat down to get to know him any deeper than that. My loss!

I’ve always known that Tom was the kind of guy who would tell you like it was, like it or not. He would give you the shirt off his back in an instant and then find a way to buy you 5 more if he thought you needed the help, all without ever asking. He put his family first and considered all his close friends and their family’s part of his own. He lead with his head, always conscious of where he was going and what needed to be done when he got there, but his heart made the decisions. Tom was a good listener and a strong shoulder to lean on for anyone who needed it, and that is probably what most of us will miss about him.

In those few short hours last May, what I learned most about Tom in our conversation was that he was a simple man, with only one goal in life yet to complete. He had seen all of his children graduate from high school, something he was very proud of, and had instilled his work ethic and values into them as best he could. Now he was looking forward to his next goal, to make his way back to the place he loved to be most, back here to Michigan, the place he still called home. While I’m sure this was not the way he had it planned, Tom has reached that last goal, he’s coming home.

A man wise beyond his years, willing to share of himself and all that he had, Tom Brenner will certainly be missed by those who knew him best, those who called him family, and those who benefited from his generous ways. I enjoyed what little time we had together over the past few years and was looking forward to our next encounter, whenever that may have been. It is with a heavy heart that I allow the news to sink in and realize our next encounter will, God willing, be many years from now. I know he won’t be far, and his presence will certainly be felt many times over the coming years as he checks in on us, but he will be missed!

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your extended family, I listened, I learned, I grew, and you will be missed Tom!

And he’s back!

So for the past three nights running he’s been there as I close my eyes to fall asleep, again when I begin to wake, and quite often the entire time in between. The face is not always visible, but I know it’s him. Some times he speaks, sometimes he’s a mere shadow on the wall, but always I know he is present and watching. Most would find this unsettling, but for me it is a comfort to have him near. Though it does make me wonder why he has returned.

I don’t off hand recall when last he spent time with me, but I suspect it was last fall. Sometime after the leaves began to change and before the snowboarding season really kicked off. December or early January I’m guessing. In any case, it has been months since I’ve felt his presence, seen his face as I close my eyes, or had the distinct impression that he is watching over me. And without knowing it, I have come to realize I’ve missed him there in the shadows of my dreams.

His return has brought with it some gifts I did not expect but have now realized may well be linked directly to his presence. I am writing again, this entry is proof of that. I am designing again, for personal and professional projects of the digital variety. I have not yet found the time to start, but I will soon be drawing again, and a project that has been on hold for at least a year has been dusted off and slow progress is being made on it as well. I am inspired again!

His return has also brought to light just how much I miss hanging with the real life version of The Catcher and I suspect some time will be made to rectify that lapse in communication soon. My creativity has always been tied to my emotions, for better or worse, and now I am left to ponder how he fits into this as well. Is his appearance a result of increased emotions, or are those a result of his return?

In any case, welcome back Kerry!

More Than Just Another Monday

Today seemed like every other Monday when the alarm went off at 6:10AM. I stumbled to the bathroom, managed to get dressed, grab my bag, lunch, and keys, and find my way to my car through swollen eyes barely open. The commute to work was uneventful and filed with frustrating moments in traffic jams while listening to radio DJ’s banter on about one thing or another in between the music they play so infrequently between 5am and 10am weekdays. My morning routine was the same today as it has been on 98% of every Monday morning for the last 6 years, and yet today is not like every other Monday morning and there can be no other Monday morning like today again.

Exactly 14 years ago today, my wife and I exchanged vows in an intimate commitment ceremony that will forever serve as my wedding day. It was almost a full year after we first met in June of 1995 and exactly 4 months after I first proposed to her on Valentines Day 1996. There was no church, no minister or Justice of the Peace. There were no flowers, no dress, no exotic location, not even a single witness, unless you count the cat. It was just us, two hearts very much in love who knew that this relationship would stand the test of time and be a forever partnership. And that was all we needed then, and now.

Because we live in Michigan, one of the many states who have forever entombed bigotry and discrimination in our state laws and constitution, we can not be legally married. One day that barrier will fall, like so many unjust laws before it already have, but it will change nothing from our past. A license will be applied for and granted, a certificate will be issued, signed, and made official with a short ceremony lacking in all the traditional pomp and circumstance that could make it a wedding. One day, probably about 6 years from today, there will be a vow renewal ceremony that will provide our friends and family the chance to share in the recognition of our small commitment ceremony 14 years ago today and all the joy it has brought us over the years. It is our hope that by then we will also be legally married in Michigan, but I won’t hold my breath. In any case, today Monday June 14, 2010 marks 14 years spent with my soul mate, best friend, partner, and wife Jennifer.

Happy Anniversary!

< 'cycle' >

... WTF?

< /2ww >
< 'frustration' >

in progress

Was doing a little blog re-organization and ran across this draft I never published ... It was originally penned back in 2008, somewhere between May and September. It is by no means a complete work, but I'll share it anyway.

Can't concentrate, can't think
Thoughts keep drifting back in time
Memories of our last encounters
Things he said, looks he gave
Advice he offered so effortlessly

Months have passed between us
Always too busy to make the time
Life goes on day by day
Each one slipping quietly into the past
Time stacking up against us
Knowing one day will be our last

Was that it, the last I will see of him
That chilly day in May
When my thoughts were somewhere else
Off in my own little world
Listening intently as he spoke
Gave of himself, sat patiently for my answers
Telling me "I'll Wait" when I would pause between them
All the while knowing
I was somewhere else

It was his birthday, but I forgot
It was the beginning, and the end
A day filled with tears, and hope
Of mixed emotions, weakness, and strength
The last day I heard my grandfather's voice
The last day I believed I was a misfit
The first day my eyes were truely open wide
The first day I could see the reason it all changed

In the emotional falout of that day
I learned, I grew, I changed
I asked the hard questions
And gave answers to them more freely
When they were asked of me
Yet some things remain the same

Our lives are forever intertwined
The distance between us
A double edged sword
A new balance i know I must find

Every once in a while we all need a wakeup call …

I know we all get busy, wrapped up in our own issues and daily lives and before long we are so entrenched in what we have going on that we forget about some of the more important things in life. We worry about having a nice house or car, maybe a new wardrobe or at least a pair of shoes, and keeping up with the latest in technology. We spend all our time making money so we can spend it, or so our spouses can spend it for us, and hoping to one day have enough saved up to retire and begin to enjoy life for a change. But what if we never get to retire? What if by the time we make it to retirement age and status all we have left is that nice house, car, and wardrobe with no one left to enjoy life with?

That’s the type of wakeup call all of us needs right here, right now. I got mine in a few stages, spread out over about a two year span. The beginning of it was back in the fall of 1997 when a face I hadn’t seen in over a decade popped up in a web search for something I thought was completely unrelated. It set off a chain of events that made me stop and think about a lot of unresolved issues from my past, things I thought were buried so deep they would never surface again, and people I had walked away from a long time ago. It also began a process of finally dealing with things I had refused to previously, aligning my memory of my history with what really happened, and writing a book I never thought I was capable of.

That process, facing my fear, reconnecting with an old friend, resolving some issues in my past, and writing that book helped me to take a closer look at what was really important in my life. I had forgotten about Jack and our friendship years before and he wasn’t the only one from my past I had walked away from, he was just the one that was most important for me to reconnect with. Rebuilding that bridge allowed me to reconnect with others, to reach out to some, and to accept others who had reached out to me. It gave me a chance to begin to put my priorities in the right order beginning with family and friends rather than the very tight circle I had been spinning in for far too long.

I also came out of this more comfortable with myself, my past, and my future than I ever thought I could be. I managed to find a place I am comfortable with in the universe, and discover ways to let go of all those things I know are out of my control in much the same way that those who are Christian claim to “turn it all over to God”. I’m not certain how much of that came from reconciling those issues, from the process of writing the book, or from simply spending time with Jack again, but it was something I would need about a year later.

The final stage of my wake up call came in the fall of 2009 when we learned that my mother-in-law has breast cancer. She is a relatively young 56 year old woman who takes care of herself and follows the recommendations of semi-annual mammograms. Sadly, you get what you pay for and in her case, a free screening meant nobody cared enough to read the films. She had been complaining of symptoms after the screening in February and eventually could no longer ignore them. In September she sought a second opinion and learned that she has stage IV invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer spread to the lymphatic system with lesions on the skeleton). While the entire family is angry that she was not diagnosed sooner, she simply moved forward with treatment and an attitude that she will beat it. It’s impossible for us to know how far the cancer advanced between February and September, and that is for the lawyers to argue in court one day, but we do know the diagnosis wouldn’t have changed though we could have possibly caught it while still a stage III.

As I wrapped my head around the news that someone close to me had been given a potentially terminal diagnosis, I retreated into my own world asking one question over and over. What if it were me? Hearing someone you know given a diagnosis of cancer in any form tends to do that to most of us. Luckily, I had already begun to prioritize things in my life and remove some of the non-essential things, be those material items, excess drama, or surrounding myself with negative attitudes. The cancer diagnosis was simply the catalyst to complete that phase of my life.

I shelved a writing project I was working on, hopefully I will come back to it one day but for now it sits about 1/3 of the way completed, I made a decision to eliminate the negativity and drama from my life, and I did just that. I severed all ties with the Dykes on Bikes (DOBD) Drama Queen group I had been riding with because I was tired of the high school drama that came with it and the way the group as a whole made both myself and my wife feel. I chose to walk away from their narrow view of the world and allow them to wallow in their own self pity for being single, poor, uneducated, unemployed, and lesbian. Each member of that group feels sorry for themselves for at least one of those reasons and I think it’s safe to say their attitude is that the “straight world” owes them something. I completely disagree and think they all need to grow up, shut up, and take responsibility for their own lives and the poor decisions that have landed them where they are now. But I digress!

My purging of negativity and drama extended to family encounters as well, from both my family and Jen’s. I respectfully decline invitations to go places where certain members of Jen’s family will be in attendance, as does Jen, because it simply isn’t worth dealing with their crap. Jen and I still attend family functions on both sides when possible, but I do not feel bad for missing out on things because we choose not to deal with a situation that will most definitely turn ugly. Family is not perfect, it never was nor can it ever be for either of us, but family is family. Often it’s better for all of us to not speak for a while rather than speak words that will irritate or offend the other. That’s my new approach to family on both sides and it will continue in force with the new arrival in a few weeks. The news of a 4th niece (nephew is still possible last I heard) was the last straw, the third was hard enough to stomach, and while I am certain I will love them no less than their three older sisters, they will see me just as little as the first three have. I refuse to bite my tongue any more than is absolutely required and the mandatory family gatherings are about all I can take these days.

My priorities are now in order, I go out of my way to help those I can when ever I can, and I approach every situation with a little more laid back approach. I know that every event in my life, great or small, has a purpose and I accept the challenge of figuring out what that purpose may be daily. I also except the challenge of ensuring that if my next tomorrow never comes, I have lived each moment in a way that I am content with, said all I need to say to those around me and that I care about, and never left a situation unresolved whenever possible. While I never claim to be perfect, if I can at least do my best to make sure that I leave this world with all those I care for and about knowing how important to me they are, and never parting ways angry, I can accept that as my legacy.

To quote a friend of mine "Live for the here and now, tomorrow will take care of itself!"

So about that blog post I promised to write …

Dear loyal readers,

I have not forgotten about you, or your interest in this blog, my life, and my writing. However, I have been far too busy for far too long to keep up with this thing. I have been writing all this time, but most of it has either been for my eyes only, not even shared with my wife if you can believe that, or has been in the form of a FaceBook (FB) status update or comment. Many of you are on FB and my FB friends list so you have not been kept too far out of the loop, though certainly not exactly included in all the goings on of my life since last fall. Let this post serve as the catch up for all those important things I have not yet shared, and I promise to update this thing a little more regularly going forward. Notice I said a little more regularly.

First off for those of you who do not yet know, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage IV ductal breast cancer last fall, round about the time I stopped posting my writing. See the coincidence here? Thee were other factors in my silence, like the completely unhealthy group I was in the process of terminating my membership with, a few work related issues, and the occasional life event I still choose to remain silent on. In any case, she is doing well, responding well to treatments, and having very few side effects of her treatments outside of the standard loss of hair. And for those who have not been through this, or watched someone go through this, let me just state that when I say loss of hair, it includes hair in places where you didn’t know hair grew.

Dealing with the diagnosis, the tests, the staging process, and the new schedule that would be applied to my life as my wife stepped up to be by her mother’s side as much as possible through this whole process has taken some major and minor adjustments. One of the first things to get pushed aside was my writing. It was in part because I didn’t feel much like finishing a story about a boy who leaves home right after high school with the intent to never see his father again, spends 20 years building a life for himself with no contact between the two of them, and then stumbles upon a relationship with him again through a twist of fate only to learn that his father is terminally ill. This story was conceived and the first 20 chapters or so written long before last fall’s news hit and it is in no way related to my mother-in-law’s diagnosis. Yet writing it just didn’t sit well with me any longer and I lost interest in writing all together as the weeks dragged on.

I did not stop writing all together though, but digging through the archives of the blog you’ll certainly notice a HUGE gap in entries beginning toward the end of last summer and lasting for what has become nearly a year. I can’t say that many things were written in that time period, but I can say that what was written was almost always merely me venting frustrations about one thing or another and eventually found its way into the recycle bin. On occasion I came up with a piece of something I hung onto, something that I managed to make general enough to post. But, as the archives make blatantly obvious, those were very few and quite far in between.

So, what else have I been up to over the last 9 months … sadly the answer is not really all that much. I have completed more classes and currently have just four left to obtain my latest degree, a Bachelor of Web Development. So long as they don’t cancel any classes on me I will be done with it next March! Then what I’m not certain, but there has been some consideration about going for a Masters Degree … time will have to tell that tale because for now I am focusing on SUMMER VACATION and those four remaining classes next year.

Life has really been all about family, friends, school, and work … in that order for probably the first time in decades. Having a potentially terminal diagnosis of someone you know, no matter how well you know them, is certainly a wake up call to get your life and priorities in line. It has been the catalyst for me purging all the drama and “fluff” from my life, hence exiting the DOB fiasco and no longer surrounding myself with their drama, negativity, and poor choices. I can’t even say the departure was amicable, I’m not certain they are capable of that from a local or national standpoint, but it was not a total waste of time. That group, the drama all last summer, and the eventually process of exiting their gang (and I mean that in every sense of the word) was something I needed to do. It served as a reminder of why I have not been active in the LGBT only culture since my early college days at Oakland, and why I will refrain from getting involved again in the future. It was a definite wake up call that there are two distinct versions of LGBT Equality and the activism that is required to achieve it, I am not interested in their tunnel vision of the world or what true equality is! I am also thankful that organizations like Triangle foundation, Michigan Equality, and Affermations exist and understand both how the world works and what needs to be done to achieve true equality for all, including LGBT people.

So there is the recap of my last 9 months. Reality check, Cancer, Exiting the Drama Queens (DOBD), eliminating as much drama from my life as possible, family, friends, work, school, and writing. Now that the purging of drama process is complete, or nearly, and school is out for the next 4 months, I’ll try to write more!

I is DONE ...

With classes 'till September, with homework, with the stress of 18 straight weeks of school without a single day off (classes run 7 days a week), and with proper English ... for now. A proper blog post will follow, now that I have the time to write again!

To those who shall remain nameless …

For the average reader of this blog, this post is something you can skip over and simply return another day to read my latest take on life as a whole. However, there are a special few who I feel the overwhelming urge to address here today. Those little rats scouring the web and this blog for any crumbs I may have left along the way. They know who they are, so if this post seems odd, thank you for stopping by again today but this doesn’t apply to you.

As for the rest ...

Thank you for your continued interest in my life and this blog! It’s nice to know that you value my words so greatly that you feel the need to visit this blog so frequently. While the average reader of this blog visits once a day, or every few days, and only two or three pages per visit, your counts far exceed these figures. In many cases you return 4 and 5 times a day with total daily page views in excess of 10-15 pages! I never realized what power my writing held over you. I do apologize for the lapse in posts on here for your enjoyment but, unlike some of you I am employed, furthering my education, and have a family. These things all take precedence over my writing and, alas many of the posts for this blog have simply gone unfinished and remain unavailable to the general public’s eyes.

Given the particular posts you continue to hit, and their respective category tags, I am quite certain I know what it is you are looking for, and am highly amused that after months with nothing posted on this subject you continue to come here searching for more content. I liken this to the boy who continues to beat his head against the cement wall in hopes of making his headache go away, or the rat who continues to seek out the cheese on the trap though he has already lost his tail and two feet to other traps along the way. After all, if you continue to do things the same way, you will always wind up with the same results!

Since you are here however, I will toss you a piece of that brick of cheese you have been scouring my blog for. Yes, I have received your letter. It is nice to know that the student who couldn’t cut it in law school has found something to do with her time. This one was far more professional than the first and clearly did not come from the uneducated end of the group. Congratulations, you may have learned something from this after all. Let those who have the ability do something while those who haven’t a clue sit back and watch.

Logic would suggest that you will take your crumbs and scurry away into the crevices of the Internet again but rodents always seem to return to a past source of food hoping to find more. It’s in their nature and related to the small brain capacity so, until next time …

Lost and Found

Some days is seems like Facebook has become the worlds greatest and most useful Lost and Found on Earth. On other days, it appears to be more of an entertainment avenue providing billions of bored office workers across the globe endless hours of entertainment while they attempt to look like they are doing actual work when ever the boss walks by.

Ever since I was guilted into joining Facebook about a year ago, people from a past life in a podunk map dot of a town have been crawling out of the woodwork and inviting me to be their friend. Many have been people I was at least remotely interested in getting to know again after an almost 15 year lapse in communication and readily accepted their requests. Some have been people I always wondered what happened to after parting ways post graduation, and a few have been from people I never liked back then and would rather see a death notice for them than accept their request. Thankfully the latter of which has been very small in numbers, though Facebook keeps telling me I should send them a message or a friend request in its not so subtle way almost daily. Luckily those too can be ignored.

I have gone through the cycle of adding everyone who sends a request, except for those I have good reason to ignore, searching for people I was actually interested in reconnecting with, and recently purging my friends list of all those with whom I am no longer interested in being in contact with, or in some cases never really was interested in the first place. I now reserve my friends list for those with whom I actually know, am related to in some way, work with but still consider more than a coworker, and miscellaneous others I wish to remain in contact with via the Internet. My lost and found box is now well under 100 friends thanks to this new policy.

I have also considered abandoning my Facebook profile more than once over the last few months but instead have simply managed to log in less and ignore it most weekends. The more I use Facebook, the less I use Facebook. By that I mean daily usage. In the beginning, when it was all shiny and new with new things to explore and play with, I was on the site every day for multiple hours throughout the day. Now, I generally log in once a day, but not always, and often I can go an entire weekend without ever checking in to see what my friends are up to. I also try to update my status message at least once a day, in the beginning it was way more than that, but even that I don’t always manage to accomplish. When I was on vacation last November, I had Internet access daily, yet only logged into Facebook once or twice the whole trip. When I go home, there were more than 500 updates for me to read through, almost all of which were simple ignored or deleted rather than spending the time catching up on what I had missed while I was out of touch. Some things just aren’t that important.

But every once in a while, this little lost and found box on the Internet, the place where just about everybody with a minute or two of computer access knows to search for someone they lost along the road of life, comes in handy. I lost touch with someone I considered a good friend and probably the most intelligent person I knew my own age growing up. A well read, forward thinking boy who chose to rebel in high school by not cutting his hair for his last two years of school, a rather ingenious decision on his part I might add as it drove certain people crazy to see a boy with long hair in their little town. We had some of the same interests and worldly views and managed to spend a lot of time hanging out after school in high school in the craziest of places, the local library! We even shared the same mentor for a while, and I’m certain Jack would love to hear from him again as well. It’s not a name that has been brought up in our conversations over the last few years, but I know he too thought a lot of this kid and would be interested in hearing where he is now and what he’s been up to over the last 15 years.

So I guess since all things happen for a reason, the friend request today from my former partner in crime at the library, the one male friend I had growing up who was just as “quirky” as I was most of the time and never once judged me for being different that the herd, just might be the reason I haven’t abandoned Facebook yet. That little lost and found box has resulted in rekindling a friendship with someone I vowed never to speak to again and still can’t remember why, has helped build a stronger friendship with a few others in my current life, and now has turned up a long lost friend I was convinced I would never hear from again. It’s settled, Facebook stays, though I will probably continue to spend less and less time on there as time goes on. The shiny toy has lost a bit of its luster and become more of the tool it was originally intended to be.

Desiderata - by Max Ehrmann

A recent e-mail from a close friend inspired me to look up the origin of the quote "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should" today. What I found was that it came from the poem Desiderata written by Max Ehrmann around 1920 and copyrighted in 1927. Though some of it's verse is a little "preechy" in my opinion, they are easily overlooked by the general tone of the piece. Read it with open eyes and I bet you too will find something truly inspirational in it's verses.


For more information on the author, it's origin, and the myths surounding this piece, CLICK HERE

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Thanks Jack!

working secretly from Florida?

Wonder if this would work on MY boss? ...

Much overdue post about a much overdue leave of absence

The sun has gone away for the season and the wacky weather is preventing me from enjoying anything to do with snow and gravity induced enjoyment. So ... Jen and I are headed SOUTH this afternoon for a week in the Florida sunshine. I may write while I'm away, I may not. I will have some sort of recap when I return however ... and I'll try to get it posted here on this far too often neglected blog of mine. Facebook just seems to win out on updates most of the time and I'm working out a better balancing act for the two. Forgive.

Another reminder of how quickly it can all be taken away

As if I had forgotten in the last three weeks since the last reminder of how quickly life can be turned upside down or snatched from your grasp, along comes this one. A name I haven’t heard in years attached to a face I haven’t seen in even longer and hardly recognize any more arrived in my inbox. It was a news article from the local news station back in my home town, or more accurately the larger city near my home town, about a man my age who was killed in a car accident. I was intrigued by both the title and the fact that my mother had taken the time to send it my way, so I began to carefully skim the paragraphs for a name I might or might not know. There it was, jumping off my computer screen about halfway through paragraph two. Thomas Janik was the driver and apparently the only person involved in the accident.

I think the first time I met Tom was probably longer ago that I can remember. His parents owned The Spot, a local roller skating rink that on occasion my parents, and at least once my paternal grandfather took me to growing up. Tom and I are the same age, within a few months of each other anyway and from what I have heard from those who were old enough to remember back that far, we hit it off immediately and would play at the rink whenever I was fortunate enough to go.

The first time I definitely remember Tom, I was in the third grade and moving to a new school through no choice of my own. My older sister had attended St. Ann’s in Cadillac for her third grade year and Mom and Dad were so happy with how it went for her that I was moved there the following year. Changing schools is rough, being moved from public to private school is rougher, and going from a class of about 60 kids to a small school like St Ann’s where there were only about 25 third graders who all knew each other was awful for me. I was the outsider in every way imaginable when I walked in on the first day of class. I was the new kid, the girl who didn’t live in the same town, or go to the same church, heck I wasn’t even catholic!

By some stroke of luck, genius, miracle, or whatever you want to call it, there were three kids sitting in that classroom I knew. Two of them, both girls, I had spent at least one summer with at Girl Scout camp and they were both friends of mine by then. The other friendly face was Tom. Between the three people I already knew I was slowly introduced to the rest of the class and a few kids from other classes at lunch and recess, but as the outsider I never really did fit in well with most of them.

I spent two years attending St. Ann’s, third and fourth grade to be exact, before moving back to public school in my home town. For both of those years, Tom was one of my few friends in school. Tom wasn’t the tallest kid in the class, in fact I think he may have been the shortest, but he made up for that small stature with a big heart and a willingness to do what he thought was right, no matter the cost. We would spend hours at recess and lunch building entire cities out of sand to play with our Matchbox cars in and once in a while, when we were bored with the collection each of us had brought from home, we would trade. Tom even traded me his favorite car of all, a Red ‘86 Corvette Stingray with a hood that actually lifted up because he knew how much I liked it. It was his birthday present for me in third grade!

As the outsider in a new school setting, I was picked on a lot by the other kids, it’s what kids do, and there were many times when it was Tom who came to my rescue. Rarely did the picking ever turn physical, it was mostly just words they were fighting with, but I could always count on Tom to back me up. On more than one occasion he put himself on the line, risked being the subject of their ridicule, and told the other kids to back off. Tom was a champion for the little guy even back in third and fourth grade and, from what little I know of his experiences since high school, it looks like this trait followed him throughout the rest of his life.

I lost touch with those few friends I managed to make while at St. Ann’s when I went back to public school, but I always knew where to find Tom. Every once in a while I would manage to convince my parents to take me over to The Spot and, up until his parents sold the place while we were in high school, Tom was always there. Some of my best memories of Tom include those recesses spent building cities of sand for our cars and chasing him around the rink at The Spot for hours on end. He glided around that rink like he was born on skates and, when he wasn’t acting as a floor guard, he was always the guy to aim for in the Speed Skate and Shoot the Duck games. Without fail, Tom was almost always the last man standing and would surrender his prize to who ever came in second place.

I will always remember “Little Tommy Janik” as the little guy with the big heart, a friend to those who otherwise might not have any, and the most graceful person I’ve ever seen on a pair of skates. When I can locate the box, I’ll dig out that Red ‘86 Vet he traded me for my duplicate 4x4 truck and place it on a shelf where I can smile and remember the good ole days when it catches my attention. And, the next time I find myself at a skating rink with my nephews, I just might take another shot at the Speed Skate or Shoot the Duck in his memory. I bet if I close my eyes tight enough I’ll even see his ghost two or three strides in front of me, always just out of my reach.