That’s the type of wakeup call all of us needs right here, right now. I got mine in a few stages, spread out over about a two year span. The beginning of it was back in the fall of 1997 when a face I hadn’t seen in over a decade popped up in a web search for something I thought was completely unrelated. It set off a chain of events that made me stop and think about a lot of unresolved issues from my past, things I thought were buried so deep they would never surface again, and people I had walked away from a long time ago. It also began a process of finally dealing with things I had refused to previously, aligning my memory of my history with what really happened, and writing a book I never thought I was capable of.
That process, facing my fear, reconnecting with an old friend, resolving some issues in my past, and writing that book helped me to take a closer look at what was really important in my life. I had forgotten about Jack and our friendship years before and he wasn’t the only one from my past I had walked away from, he was just the one that was most important for me to reconnect with. Rebuilding that bridge allowed me to reconnect with others, to reach out to some, and to accept others who had reached out to me. It gave me a chance to begin to put my priorities in the right order beginning with family and friends rather than the very tight circle I had been spinning in for far too long.
I also came out of this more comfortable with myself, my past, and my future than I ever thought I could be. I managed to find a place I am comfortable with in the universe, and discover ways to let go of all those things I know are out of my control in much the same way that those who are Christian claim to “turn it all over to God”. I’m not certain how much of that came from reconciling those issues, from the process of writing the book, or from simply spending time with Jack again, but it was something I would need about a year later.
The final stage of my wake up call came in the fall of 2009 when we learned that my mother-in-law has breast cancer. She is a relatively young 56 year old woman who takes care of herself and follows the recommendations of semi-annual mammograms. Sadly, you get what you pay for and in her case, a free screening meant nobody cared enough to read the films. She had been complaining of symptoms after the screening in February and eventually could no longer ignore them. In September she sought a second opinion and learned that she has stage IV invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer spread to the lymphatic system with lesions on the skeleton). While the entire family is angry that she was not diagnosed sooner, she simply moved forward with treatment and an attitude that she will beat it. It’s impossible for us to know how far the cancer advanced between February and September, and that is for the lawyers to argue in court one day, but we do know the diagnosis wouldn’t have changed though we could have possibly caught it while still a stage III.
As I wrapped my head around the news that someone close to me had been given a potentially terminal diagnosis, I retreated into my own world asking one question over and over. What if it were me? Hearing someone you know given a diagnosis of cancer in any form tends to do that to most of us. Luckily, I had already begun to prioritize things in my life and remove some of the non-essential things, be those material items, excess drama, or surrounding myself with negative attitudes. The cancer diagnosis was simply the catalyst to complete that phase of my life.
I shelved a writing project I was working on, hopefully I will come back to it one day but for now it sits about 1/3 of the way completed, I made a decision to eliminate the negativity and drama from my life, and I did just that. I severed all ties with the Dykes on Bikes (DOBD) Drama Queen group I had been riding with because I was tired of the high school drama that came with it and the way the group as a whole made both myself and my wife feel. I chose to walk away from their narrow view of the world and allow them to wallow in their own self pity for being single, poor, uneducated, unemployed, and lesbian. Each member of that group feels sorry for themselves for at least one of those reasons and I think it’s safe to say their attitude is that the “straight world” owes them something. I completely disagree and think they all need to grow up, shut up, and take responsibility for their own lives and the poor decisions that have landed them where they are now. But I digress!
My purging of negativity and drama extended to family encounters as well, from both my family and Jen’s. I respectfully decline invitations to go places where certain members of Jen’s family will be in attendance, as does Jen, because it simply isn’t worth dealing with their crap. Jen and I still attend family functions on both sides when possible, but I do not feel bad for missing out on things because we choose not to deal with a situation that will most definitely turn ugly. Family is not perfect, it never was nor can it ever be for either of us, but family is family. Often it’s better for all of us to not speak for a while rather than speak words that will irritate or offend the other. That’s my new approach to family on both sides and it will continue in force with the new arrival in a few weeks. The news of a 4th niece (nephew is still possible last I heard) was the last straw, the third was hard enough to stomach, and while I am certain I will love them no less than their three older sisters, they will see me just as little as the first three have. I refuse to bite my tongue any more than is absolutely required and the mandatory family gatherings are about all I can take these days.
My priorities are now in order, I go out of my way to help those I can when ever I can, and I approach every situation with a little more laid back approach. I know that every event in my life, great or small, has a purpose and I accept the challenge of figuring out what that purpose may be daily. I also except the challenge of ensuring that if my next tomorrow never comes, I have lived each moment in a way that I am content with, said all I need to say to those around me and that I care about, and never left a situation unresolved whenever possible. While I never claim to be perfect, if I can at least do my best to make sure that I leave this world with all those I care for and about knowing how important to me they are, and never parting ways angry, I can accept that as my legacy.
To quote a friend of mine "Live for the here and now, tomorrow will take care of itself!"
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