I've spent a little over a decade running from and forgetting my hometown and everything about it; until this fall. It started with an innocent surf through a news story on the Internet that contained a photo with someone I recognized from my youth. Memories came flooding back as seeing his face threw that closet door wide open; all the skeletons landed at my feet. Some of them were good, some not so good, and a few were down right scary; it was time to deal with them once and for all. After 12 years spent running, forgetting, and denying things from my past there was a lot to work through. For the first time in years I had the urge to write and sat down at my keyboard to begin.
What started as a dramatic retelling of a night in 8th grade I spent standing atop the 'suicide cliff' with my toes hanging over the edge gradually turned into a fictional story about a girl I had some things in common with. She was born and raised in a small town and learned early in life that she was 'different'. She battled depression and attempted suicide multiple times over the years but was brought back from the edge one night by a voice in her head. She had befriended a teacher in junior high who helped keep her motivated to continue with life and who she eventually turned to when no one else seemed to care whether she lived or died.
This story takes place in a fictional town, with fictional people, and fictional events; yet it somehow resembles events from my past and people I knew growing up. I had parents who loved me, I always knew that, but I never felt like I was good enough for them. The youngest of three girls in a household of two working parents meant there could never be enough time spent one on one with either of my two parents; there are only so many hours in a day after all. I managed to find a teacher I liked and trusted in junior high and a friend I met at a summer camp who were willing to talk to me about anything. I clung to both of those friendships with everything I had in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade and with their support and patience I managed to make it through.
I didn't remember why I eventually started to distance myself from both of these friends as I worked my way through high school, until this fall. I assumed that they had left me behind, moved on with their life, and left me forgotten somewhere along the way. I knew that they had both influenced me greatly over the years and helped to shape me into the person I am today, for that I will always be grateful, but I was hurt by the thought that they had decided my friendship was no longer required. I eventually tracked down one of them via the Internet and we've managed to build a stronger friendship over the past 5 years than we ever had when I was in school; but the connection I longed for the most still alluded me.
I knew he was still around and in fact still living in my home town. He would be easy to get in touch with if I could find a way to make the effort. I tried a few times but either hung up the phone or sent a letter that was never returned. Eventually I grieved his loss and turned to my best friend, my perfect friend, for support; it was in my imagination.
Most people think it normal for small children to have imaginary playmates and quite strange for them to exist after the age of 7 or 8; mine never left. It has changed names over the years, mostly to suit my mood, and has developed from a simple playmate into a full 3d character inside my head. I have added character traits from people who have influenced my life in some way and over time have had many conversations with 'It' that helped me to find solutions to things. While I was writing what eventually became my first book Unconditional... it was my imaginary friend who became one of the main characters. I developed 'It' a little more basing the new character traits on the two people who had the most influence over my adolescent years and walla ... before my very eyes my imaginary friend came to life in print; his permanent name is now Kerry Webber.
In reviewing old journals and letters while writing Unconditional... I've managed to find the answers to questions I've always wondered about, discover the truth about what happened between my friends and I, and remember that it was me who made the decisions in my life, good or bad. I've dealt with the abuse that began in the 4th grade and continued through junior high, I've come to understand why I acted the way I did in certain situations, and I've remembered why I began to pull away from the world again in high school. Through it all I've managed to let go of the past, understand how it helped to shape who I am today, and leave the door open just a crack in the event someone from my past wants to be a part of my future.
I've also managed to make the connection I longed for over the years and am hapy to have him back in my life. I've missed him over the years and look forward to getting to know him as a friend rather than a teacher I looked up to.
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