It's annual visit has arrived

As if the annual color shift from green to red’s, oranges, and eventually browns wasn’t clue enough, this familiar feeling tells me it is fall again. For every year about this time going all the way back to my early teen years, it has been there. Like a comfy old sweater worn to remove the chill from the air, it arrives and reminds me it is that time of year again. Triggered by the receding sunlight hours, the familiar wet chill in the air, and the scent of apples, cider, and doughnuts its appearance is inevitable. I suppose it wouldn’t be fall without eventually allowing myself to be wrapped in its familiarity. Allowing those memories to begin streaming back and reliving some of the better times in my nightly dreams only intensifies the emotions it brings forward. Eventually, I’ll make the time needed to retire it for another year but for now I find solace in the knowledge of where it comes from, and why it arrives annually, almost on cue.

Without fail, those fall dreary weather blues return annually, and always they seem to dredge up my old friend. Also without fail, weeks go by with it building inside before I recognize what is happening, why my temper is short and my irritation at the world is high. Eventually light dawns on marble head, generally by a subconscious accidental click on a photo, e-mail, or saved copy of an old letter. Instantly, as the emotions flood my psyche the pieces fall into place. This year, that happened a week ago while I was surfing around on my computer trying to make myself so tired I could instantly fall asleep when my head hit the pillow. It was after a failed attempt to sleep resulted in me stumbling to the office in the dark and messing around on Facebook for a while. Hours later, still wide awake after harvesting and plowing enough fields to level up again, I eventually decided to just write whatever was swimming around in my head. I went in search of a piece I knew I had started but not yet made much progress on. It was then, after a miscalculated double click event, that it all made sense.

Rather than opening the document I was looking for, I clicked one line too low and opened a scanned copy of a letter I was given almost 15 years ago. The emotions ebbed as I read the opening sentence and suddenly it all made perfect sense. The rising tension in my life, the temper quick to snap, the restless nights of sleep kept awake by daunting visions and strangely familiar dreams, and the all too familiar feeling I couldn’t put my finger on. All of it instantly made perfect sense as I was reminded of my annual trip into what can only be categorized as withdrawls.

It’s been almost a year since I hung with him last, heard that familiar voice, saw that contagious smile. Sometime last October, when I delivered the revised edition of Unconditional in time for him to read, re-read, review, and deliver an opinion of before heading south for a few months. This year has been extremely busy for him and we haven’t managed to even pass many e-mails back and forth let alone arrange a weekend where we would both be in town. It is at least partly my fault, I did pass up a couple of chances both last spring and this fall already. As Jack has reminded me more than once, sometimes priorities have to be adjusted. Last spring it was to get projects around the house, like the hardwood floor and door wall replacement completed when Dad could be around to help. This fall it has been to attend peewee football games for the nephew, and the side effect of both practicing my sports photography and enjoying a decent game of football in the cooling fall temperatures.
My home improvement projects are still not completed, and in fact have been added to recently, but that’s another blog post all together, and his weekends are still not completely free. I will be in town next weekend, for Heather’s birthday, and hope he might be available for a few hours. Time will tell. In time this feeling will fade, it always does even when I can’t make it go away by seeing him, but I do hope we can somehow find the time before he heads south again. I miss him!