Since the economy and politics are the talk of the office these days, and to be honest I am just as guilty as the next person in my vocal disdain about both subjects, much time is spent discussing personal things in a work environment lately. Since its work I try to stay out of the political discussions, it leads down a dangerous path where people may ask me why I am not voting for McCain. Somehow, I think that my answer of “Because Palin scares the shit out of me” seems like it may open up the discussion to subjects that are better left alone in a work environment. Anyway, a few days ago, it was an economy discussion in the halls of Customer Service and while I was waiting for a piece of software to install, I joined in on the discussion. As my loyal readers already know I have been making light of the situation on here with some occasional photos and short blurbs about how “well” the economy is doing and in that conversation I described my latest blog posting. One of the people wanted to see the photo and I e-mailed the link to the post when I returned to my desk. This was the first time anyone from the office had seen my blog, which links to my MySpace.com profile, and in true Internet Surfer style, she followed the link. I later received an e-mail that said, “I found your site very interesting … a few things I didn’t know about you.” Obviously, that prompted a quick e-mail discussion and an eventual face-to-face conversation.
First, I am out at work and most people, including this co-worker are not only aware that my partner’s name is Jen but also have no problem with it. I knew my sexuality had nothing to do with what she “learned” about me on my blog and myspace.com profile, but I had no idea what it was that she did learn. When we finally managed to get a few minutes without lots of ears listening, I asked and was surprised by her answer. She was shocked that I battled depression or was ever suicidal at all in my life. She told me “You’re so outgoing. I just never would have thought that you had depression issues, ever.”
After I managed to wipe the shock of my face and get the brain spinning again, I explained that I grew up in a small town, as in population less than 1,000, and stuck out like a sore thumb starting in junior high. I didn’t want to go into all the other issues but she seemed to understand why growing up gay in that type of environment might lead someone down the depression highway. Again, we were at work and there were ears listening and mouths ready to spew gossip to others around the office so the subject was kept general and not much detail was given.
It’s been two days since our conversation and I’m just now beginning to understand how much I have changed since high school. When I left that little hole-in-the-map town I was hurt and angry. I had spent the past seven years not fitting in, hiding who I was, trying to fly under the radar, and thinking of ways to end my life. I hated waking up every morning to realize I was still faced with an existence I felt I couldn’t control and another day spent keeping my mouth shut to avoid confrontation. I had few friends and was distancing myself from the ones I knew I would have a hard time leaving behind when I skipped town after graduation never looking back. I was quiet but stood my ground when challenged. I was outspoken when I felt I needed to stand up for my rights, and myself but for the most part I simply sat on the sidelines of life and waited for the day when I could escape into the real world.
It’s been a little over thirteen years since I moved out of Small-town-America and eleven of that has been spent working in Corporate America supporting technology. I have worked with people from all walks of life, backgrounds, political views, religions, and even nationalities. I am probably the most tolerant and easygoing person when it comes to others flaws, and I blend into the group well no matter who it consists of. It’s a gift I suppose, but it has a lot to do with my past life spent blending into the background whenever possible and not making waves unless it was important. Don’t get me wrong, I am not now nor was I ever a push over. Challenge something I believe strongly in and you will run into a brick wall. Thankfully, this is not something I deal with much in my working environment. Part of the reason I have gone this far in my career in a male dominated industry, is my ability to both stand my ground, and to pick my battles well. I learned to let certain things slide, move on with the job, and tackle the major issues with force. I learned to be outspoken when it was required, and to be calm under pressure. However, my largest asset is the ability to talk to just about anyone, about almost anything, get the point across in a non threatening way (unless that is required), and walk away with the issue resolved and in most cases the user not feeling like they just got raked over the coals for messing something up. I guess in some people’s view, that makes me outgoing, and maybe they’re right.
I’ve spent a little time thinking about it over the last few days and can see a pattern of events, things I have done recently that I never would have had the guts to do thirteen years ago. I am still shy, still keep things to myself upon a first meeting, but I’ve learned to let that guard down more than I ever have in the past. I have used writing to tell people things I never thought I could and in at least one case am ready to say some of it face-to-face. That’s not going to be easy, in fact, it will be a first if I can make it through the conversation and actually tell him everything that has been bouncing around in my head for the last year, but I am ready. He’s the one person I have never felt comfortable opening up to; I always made him drag it out of me, and in some respects that hasn’t changed between us yet. I’m hoping it will after our conversation because there will be nothing left unsaid, no secrets to hide, no tap dancing around subjects with him.
While I was shocked to hear it come from someone else, I have NEVER thought of myself as outgoing, with a little reflection on the direction my life has taken and how I landed here, I guess I would have to agree, somewhat. Does this mean I’m forever cured?
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