OUCH !

SMACK! Back to reality I go.

Homophobia is everywhere, even in our friends and family. I've recently been in touch with an old friend from my past and we've mentioned seeing each other again face to face once or twice. Currently we keep in touch via e-mail, the wonders of the Internet prove their usefulness once again in my life. Our e-mails tend to be quite lengthy and honest about our differing positions on religion, politics, and world views. I knew going into this two months ago that we didn't see eye to eye on many things. I also remember all the good times we had hanging out years ago and that we also had a lot of things in common. I'm not sure how much of that common ground still exists. I've had the feeling she was reluctant to see me again because of her family, so I asked. I was tactful and respectful. They are her kids to raise how she sees fit, this I understand. Today I got a reply to my e-mail ... "I do not want to expose my kids to your relationship ... because if questions came up I would have to say that I do not agree with your lifestyle and that is not what I think God had planned for any of us." ... suspicion confirmed.

It's painfully obvious that she is in fact homophobic. Not the 'I hate fags' kind of homophobia, more of a 'I don't want to see it or deal with it' homophobic. It's based on her religious background, again I knew this years ago; it's why we stopped talking previously. Over the years we spent apart I grew up and came to realize that differing views on the world didn't mean I couldn't have a friendship with someone I truly liked otherwise. Now I question the wisdom of that view.

I've spent my life in 'don't ask, don't tell'(DADT) relationships; I'm so over that! My parents and I share something along these lines, they don't ask questions, I don't volunteer information. It makes things simpler. I know they love me and in many ways are proud of who I have become. They have gone out of their way to welcome my partner into the family; and she is part of the family in their eyes. Even my catholic raised 'you're not leaving her alone with my children' brother-in-law has lightened up and realized I'm not some freak who will 'convert' his children. And I have been left alone with both of his children already, I'm sure it will happen many more times in our future. The relationship with my partner's parents is more of a severe case of DADT where they know I am a permanent fixture in the family, and they try to include me as such, but it ends with her Mom, Dad, Brother, and one Aunt and Uncle set. The rest of the family falls into the category of religious bigots and will never view me as a member of the family, though some do at least tolerate me.

I don't know if I have the energy to deal with another DADT relationship in my life, particularly one who thinks of me as a friend but doesn't want anyone to know we're friends. Her concerns are her family, she is afraid that if I happen to run into her children they will ask questions she can't answer, or is uncomfortable answering. So she has told me our friendship must remain as pen-pals in e-mail ... should I just be happy with that? Is it worth it? Will she eventually change her mind and realize she can't shelter them from the world forever? Or should I end it now, like I did so many years ago, and accept the fact that our friendship just wasn't meant to be?