Back in April my grandfather passed away. I got the phone call that he was nearing the end on Monday night and that it could be days or weeks but I should plan to be attending a funeral soon. I live about three hours from him, and he had part of my family there with him already, so I didn't drop everything and run up to see him. I also knew that my grandfather wouldn't want me to put my life on hold just to sit back and watch him die. By Wednesday afternoon I was beginning to wonder if I had made the right choice in not going up right away and began to wrestle with that demon inside my head. I was torn between honoring the wishes of my Grandfather by going up to see him once more before he passed and doing what I thought he would want me to do. After a long conversation with Jen, I finally picked up the journal and began to write. By the end of the entry from 5/14/08, I had made my decision and also wound up with a neat tribute to my grandfather that I read at his funeral service.
It was my intent to post this months ago but every time I began to type the tears began to flow and I knew I just wasn't ready. Tonight I picked up my journal, something I haven't written much in lately, to flip back through the journey of finding Jack again in the hopes of resolving what I truly need to say to him next weekend. Rather than finding that answer, I found this and it just felt like the right time to type it up and post it.
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It’s Wednesday, almost Thursday, and I’m still torn about what to do. I’m okay with not seeing him again before he finally quits life…but I get the feeling he’s waiting for me. If I stick to the original plan to head up Friday after work, I may be too late. Again, I’m okay with that BUT if it’s true that he’s waiting for me I don’t want to wonder if I waited too long and he decided that I wasn’t coming.
I keep hearing his voice in my head, the loving yet comical way he would always say “Well hello there Shanny” and “Goom-bye”. Those make me smile. It’s the faint, almost haunting, repeating of my name and “Ga-Bye” that invokes tears for me and leaves me wondering if he is somehow calling for me. I’m not certain I believe that is even possible but I can’t explain it any other way. Each time they fade away and my thoughts become silent, I wonder if that’s the end. It makes me a little nervous that I may have just somehow heard his last words/thoughts. This all sounds so crazy yet when I told Jen she wasn’t freaked out at all by it. I’m freaked out by it, why isn’t she?
So if this is real, not just some wishful thinking or strange memory from my past…is he really holding on for me? Will he finally be able to stop clinging to life and slip peacefully from all the pain just by knowing I’m there? Is it fair of me to put my life, whatever meager plans and obligations I have over the next two days before the final wishes of my Grandfather? Don’t I owe him more than that?
(this is the piece I read at his service)
To the man who taught me to fish, who never missed an opportunity to take me fishing though we rarely if ever caught anything. The one adult who would spend hours on end listening to me talk and ask questions, who called me his little “Motor Mouth” and “Ratchet Jaw”. The one who bandaged my barely scratched finger after a goose tried to eat it. Who didn’t get mad at me, at least he never let me see it, when I bumped the motor home out of park while pretending to drive one night. And who always managed to pull over every time I had “hot feet”. The one who always made funny noises just to get a rise out of small children, and who never met a cat he liked ‘till mine curled up on his lap.
I’ll miss the smile, the way you always called me “Shanny” because I hated it so much. I’ll miss the stories and occasional nuggets of wisdom you passed along often without knowing it. And, I’ll miss the look of pride in your eyes when I would tell you all about my latest accomplishment, no matter how small.
I hear your voice in my head and can’t explain why. I’m sure it will fade in time, grow softer as each day passes by; but your memory will be with me always. I’m sure there will be moments, both happy and sad, spent watching the waves roll ashore on some beach remembering our time together. I know you loved the water, the calmness of floating along trolling for fish and the peace of simply staring out into the waves and letting your thoughts run free. And for me…That’s where I’ll go to remember, and to forget. For me the water is where your spirit will always be.
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