I asked for it ...

So I’m suppose to see Jack next Monday for our, probably first ever, chat where I talk and he listens. It’s something I asked for a while back but with our busy schedules getting in the way, it’s taken a few months to make it happen and turned out to be both a good and a bad thing. The bad part is that over the last two months I’ve had a chance to turn into a chicken again and selectively forget what it was I wanted to talk to him about. The good part is that it gave me a chance to think about what it is I really want to get out in the open with him in the event that this is the last time I ever see him (ya’ just never know these things). I remember some of what I wanted to say, they are mostly things he already knows but I’ve never actually said them face to face and I think I probably owe him that much. I also remember the one big thing I need to tell him, one of those things I’ve been keeping a lid on since last fall and has caused me to be a lot quieter than I would like to be around him. I’m not a kid anymore and I know him well enough to know that, while he may be a little surprised and possibly slightly upset (I doubt it), it won’t be a deal breaker with the friendship. Come to think of it, I doubt there is much I could tell him that would be a deal breaker for us. We’ve been down that road far too many times and I never managed to shake him back then, why would now be any different?

So, in search of those pesky little things I forgot I wanted to say, I pulled out the journal, the hand written one, and started from the beginning of our reconnection process. I read through all the entries that involved him, there were many, and took a little journey back through all those mixed emotions that came with seeing him again. In a few of those entries I actually had the forethought to write down questions I wanted to ask him but didn’t have the guts to, or thought I should ask in person rather than an e-mail. For the most part, they’ve all been answered, or no longer apply. While I was re-living the past 10 months of my life through those journal entries, I realized why I wanted to talk to him in the first place. It’s not to tell him any big secret, though I have been holding one thing back, it’s just to finally close the book on my past and see what the future holds for us. I need to say a few things just so I don’t one day regret having never said it and I need to explain that one thing I’ve been withholding for my own piece of mind, not his. This meeting is once again for selfish reasons, but sometimes you need to be selfish in life. I doubt I’ll tell him much he doesn’t already know having read Unconditional a few times by now, but reading it and hearing it from me are two totally different things. Jack taught me that recently and I think it’s about time I return the favor.

I also found this in my journal … it goes with the theme so I’m posting it here too.

Seeing his face should make me smile
Yet sadness fills the air
Spent such a long time believing
That he no longer cared
Made the distance between us bearable
Made the years without him possible
Allowed me time to forget and heal
Gave me a chance to grow and change

We’ve reconnected again
Found our way back together
Opened new lines of communication
And reconciled our memories of the past
I’ve asked, he’s answered
I’ve written, he’s read
No more holding it all back
I owe him so much more than that

What is this strange feeling inside?
Is it guilt for not telling him before?
For leaving it all unsaid
Walking away and slamming the door?
Is it joy in now knowing his thoughts?
Knowing that he’s always cared
And over the years remembered me time and again?
Or is it that fear inside?
That nagging feeling that I’ll get hurt in the end?
Nothing lasts forever after all
One day I’ll lose him too
This time there is nothing I can do
Am I just waiting for that shoe to fall?

It’s worth it I know
He’s too important to let him go
Fear of tomorrow can’t get in the way
Of the friendship we’ve built
And the joy it brings me today.