The Dream

Because of the Blog format, this post may be a bit longer than some of you will care to scroll, I apologize up front and offer another solution. For those of you who wish to read this in its entirety, but in MS Word format rather than the Blog, the full document can be downloaded from here.

In the past I have had recurring dreams, some good, some bad, but all relating to something that is going on in my life currently, or from my past. Lately I have been having one that does not exactly relate to anything going on in my life or anything that has ever taken place in my life previously. I do recognize those who play a main role in this little mind play however. My hope is that simply by writing out the sequence of events, I will succeed in removing this from my nightly drama show and possibly wake tomorrow morning without tears in my eyes and with a head full of much happier thoughts. This has worked in the past with other recurring thoughts, but this is the first time I have shared the initial raw writing publicly. Past endeavors have all been destroyed or placed in my personal journal, I just never thought about sharing them I guess. In any case they eventually faded after writing them out in mini-novel form, now we see if the same holds true for this one.

---------------------------------------------------------
As we slowly walked along the shoreline in absolute silence, I began to wonder why today he had chosen not to hang out in our usual spot. His mood was different, a little darker behind that warm smile of his. He had told me he wanted to see me, asked to talk to me for a change. Normally it was me who asked to see him, to talk to him about something that was going on. This was different from every angel and something told me it was not a change I would enjoy. Drinking in the calmness of the scene, the sound of the waves as they lapped at the sand beneath my feet, the bright blues and greens of the sky and water stretching to infinity before me, the rustling of the leaves as the gentle breeze flowed through the branches of the surrounding trees, I bent down and filled my hand with as many rocks from the shore line as I could hold. Tossing them one by one back into the lake from which they came, I casually asked, “So what’s with the change of venue? Not that I mind the scenery out here, and it’s a nice day to spend a little time on the beach, but this is a first.”

“The doctors have been saying a lot lately, one appointment after the other these days, all with the same result. First a puzzled look, the dropping of the head, and a deep breath, followed by some bad news.” His reply was slow, each word carefully chosen and then spoken deliberately; again something new from him.

Doctors? That explains the scene, the mood. As I listened to him speak I continued to empty my hand of the remaining rocks, tossing each a little farther than the previous as the gravity of this conversation began to set in. Down to my last rock, I was tossing it lightly in the air and catching it with my right hand while I listened to him pause for a moment, perhaps catching his breath, perhaps preparing himself to utter those two words. I knew before he said them and I squeezed the rock tight in my fist as I heard him finally speak the words ‘bad news’. My heart grew heavy, my eyes began to sting, and I clenched my jaw as I dropped my head to hide the pain clearly visible on my face. I was sure I knew the answer but needed to hear it from him. Calmly I asked, “Cancer?”

Nodding his head ever so slightly, he quietly replied “Up here” as he taped his index finger against the golden brown skin just above his right eye.

I swallowed hard, staring off into the distant waves as they languidly rolled their way toward the shore just a few feet in front of me. Silence filled the air as I soaked in the news and formulated the courage to ask my next question. Finally, with little to no eye contact I quickly glanced back to the face that has always been there in my times of need, then down at the rock I had been stroking in my right hand. Afraid to look up, to see the eerie calmness in his eyes, I continued to stare at the simple black rock in my hand while I asked, “Can they do anything?”

“The odds are not favorable, and the risk is high.” He paused, swallowed hard, and then cautiously continued “I’ve opted not to take the chance.” finishing the last of his words with a voice straining to hold is calm facade.

I winced trying to block the news from seeping into my brain, to keep it from registering as a reality I must now face. It was a hopeless cause and I bit down on my lower lip as I lifted my gaze from the rock still clenched in my fist, to the face of the man standing before me. He seemed so normal, so healthy and fit standing in the cool brown sand, water lapping at his feet. He didn’t look sick, let alone like a man who had just told me he was gravely ill. As our eyes made contact, reality set in and I could see it in his eyes. This was not a joke, not something that had just happened overnight. He had been struggling with this for a long time, seeing one specialist after the other, all with the same conclusions. The man now standing before me was nearing the end of his journey, and he was almost at peace with that reality.

“How long?” I bravely asked, hoping to hear something positive for a change.

“Hard to tell. Could be months, a year maybe, two if I’m lucky.” He answered back as if he had been rehearsing that very line in his head for the last few moments, and maybe he had. It was an obvious question to anticipate after delivering this kind of news, and I am certain it had been one of his first questions when the doctors finally told him the very same thing he was now telling me.

Months, two years at most, that’s all I have left with him? How long until he gets sick, starts to deteriorate, to fade away? How much longer will he be the same man I remember, and who remembers me?

Silence filled the air once again while he waited for my next question and I wondered what to say. I tossed the rock from hand to hand before eventually dropping it into my pocket and picking up another from the beach near my feet. I lost all track of time as I flipped back through the years of memories in my head. I knew eventually that would be all I had left of him, just memories of things we once did, of laughs we once shared, and stories we once told.

“You’re awful quiet over there. What’s running through that head of yours?” he finally asked breaking the silence between us.

“The thirteen years I wasted. The time I missed out on with you. I can never get that back and pretty soon I’m gonna’ want it all back, the thirteen years I should have been here plus all the times I was.” I said before throwing the rock I now held in my hand as far out into the lake as I could make it go. I stood, tears filling my eyes, hands shaking, and heart pounding in my chest, facing the water before me. I wished I could simply slip beneath the waves peacefully and return to find that this was all just a bad dream.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything, certainly not this.” he said placing a hand gently on my shoulder as a comforting gesture “and we both know it needed to happen.” he finished.

“You still going in search of warmer weather?” I asked quickly changing the subject away from my own inner guilt trip.

“Depends on what the doctors have to say, but I’m hoping to.”

“Just promise me you’ll come back.” I blurted out with a cry in my voice.

That was when I finally let go, allowed myself to feel the enormity of the situation, allowed reality to sink in completely, and gave up trying to keep my reaction to this news internal. With a heavy heart, I began to process the news that one of my greatest fears was coming to life before my very eyes. I always knew that one day I would be faced with the reality of his death, but I had always hoped it would be much farther in the future. Still, here it was staring me in the face, looming in the not distant enough future, bearing down on me faster than I was prepared to see. Our days together were now limited. A tangible, yet arbitrary number now cast a shadow over them on some cosmic countdown chart, crossing them off one by one as each sunset arrived all the while just hoping it would not be the last. I was losing him, this time forever, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Now that you have reached the bottom, dried your eyes, and wondered if you will ever find yourself in a similar situation, remember that this was just a series of dreams. The last time I wrote something that began as a dream it became a book, my first book. Maybe one day in the future this too will find itself bound and printed. For now, I will tuck it securely into the archives and hope that it does not become a reality!